It's time for a little more therapy. The last two days have been an emotional roller coaster. I am weary beyond belief and all I want to do is just hold our son again. We will start with the facts of the situation thus far.
First the jerky and uncomforable ride to the top of the roller coaster. Yesterday, Brock called the FBI to ask about our background checks. We need two separate checks and one of them is on it's way to Russia right now. The other, we were told takes a minimum of 8 weeks to process. October 1st by that math. We mailed it three weeks ago and, as of yesterday, it's not in the system. They assured Brock that this was not unusual, but the most basic and primal part of me feels like it is unbearable. I keep having nightmares that Roman is an 18 year old teenager when we get him and doesn't need us anymore. Five more weeks, possibly. 35 days. 840 hours. 50,400 minutes. 3,024,000 more breaths to take. (and that's not counting the hypervenilating breaths) Five weeks isn't terribly long, I know this in my head, but my heart just hurts. Maybe it would be easier if I didn't know how his little fingers felt wrapped around mine or the joy of seeing him look up into his daddy's eyes and offer a slow smile. But then again, it's that memory that gives me strength to push forward one more step. A marathon is completed one step at a time.
Then the downhill thrill of the roller coaster. Brock called Jo Ann Emerson's office this morning-our Congresswoman-and asked if there was anything they could do to help us get these documents more quickly. We are more in a rush because we misread some infomation on our instructions from the agency and now we are frantically trying to make up for lost time. Brock said that the woman with whom he spoke was so incredibly kind and told us that they absolutely could help. I was astounded. Of all of the issues that office deals with on a day to day basis, a little family in a little town in Southeast Missouri shouldn't be a high priority, but not only did they act like it they could help, we were treated like it would be their honor to help. What an incredible blessing! The woman with whom Brock spoke couldn't have offered us any more grace and compassion than she did this morning. We weren't just nameless people who were needing something to add to her likely already full day. We were a couple who was desperate to bring their son home and she was excited that she could play a part in helping us fulfill our dream. I was thinking about that on a deeper level, too. How often do we hesitate to call out to God for the "insignificant" things because He has so much more going on in the world that needs His attention? And yet, He "longs to be gracious to us. He rises to show us compassion" (Isaiah 30.18) I've always gotten a picture of that verse of the Sovereign Creator of the Universe sitting on the edge of His throne, waiting and ready to come to the aid of anyone who will call on His name. If it's big enough to touch our heart, then we can be sure that it's big enough to concern Him no matter how small it may seem in the grand scheme of things "Cast your cares on Him for He cares for you". Lord, my concern is that it will be a long time still before we can hold our son. My concern is that my heart will break in the waiting. My concern is that our window of opportunity will run out and we will have to start all over. You know these concerns and You know that to us, it doesn't feel trivial. I trust that You have goverened every step of our process and you aren't going to drop us in the details. A friend reminded me last night of the old hymn "He didn't teach us to swim to watch us drown." And as we look over our 100 for 100 list below, we are AMAZED by the outpouring of generousity of friends and loved ones. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that every excited "YES!" that we have gotten in response to this has been evidence of God's provision. These people are the fingerprints of God in our story. And if we can have faith in the things that we can so plainly see, why shouldn't we have faith in the ways that God is working behind the scenes to either protect us, protect Roman or just create a dramatic finish so that He alone can get the glory for authoring the story of our life?
Another jerking and slow climb to the top of another part of the ride. Brock talked to Irina this morning and she told him that the medicals that we had done in Russia were only valid for three months. They will expire October 5. If we do not have a court date before October 5th, we will be required to fly back to Russia for another set of medicals ($1600 not including air fare and hotel costs) and then fly home and wait again for a court date. And money is only part of it. The more heartbreaking part is that it will be that much longer until we get Roman home. I just want my baby home. I know he is well cared for where he is, but I don't want someone else tucking him in at night anymore. I don't want someone else putting his socks on his chubby little feet. I don't want him to wake up as one of 50 children in a home and have to wait his turn to taken out of his crib and fed. I just want to take care of the son that we so strongly feel like God has given to us. I miss him so much right now that it hurts to breathe. And yet, there is a rock solid foundation that I am standing on that tells me that God knows what is happening and He already has the days of this painful season numbered. "Those who wait on the LORD will soar on wings like eagles" I have faith that we will soar over the ocean-not physically on eagle's wings, but on an airplane. "...they will run and not grow weary" This is the race has been laid out for us so clearly and He has given and will continue to give strength to finish it. "...they will walk and not grow faint" When we simply cannot run another day, He will provide the strength to just...take...another...step.
I just want our son home. I want to stop feeling like I am going to burst into tears everytime someone asks, "Where's that baby?" or "How much longer?" They are exicted with us and I am so glad that we have a strong community supporting us and are ready to celebrate his homecoming. But the truth is, I don't know. And every question reminds me that even a month and a half after having met our Roman, we still don't know. We covet your prayers. I want to believe that God is setting circumstances so that at the end of this, there will be no other way to know that it came to fruition other than to know that only God could have moved the mountains and the paper and the agencies. Our original thought when we left Russia was that we would be traveling back around Sept 1st. Now, we are praying feverently that it will be before October 1st.
Now that I'm in my 30's roller coasters do a lot more than they used to. They make me tired and sore. That's how I feel right now. My mind is so tired from thinking about bringing him home. Thinking about how to get him home faster. Tired of wondering if there is anything we are missing or anything we should have done differently. (not misreading those documents would have helped!) And my heart is sore. I am learning more deeply what it means to just "cast our cares on Him because He cares for us" How could I doubt that. God knows what our desire is? He loves Roman more than we do. And He wants what's best for all of us.
This I know: God is still good. He still causes all things to work together for those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose. And He who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it.
I'm sure glad I don't have to govern the universe! And I'm thankful that I can lay my concerns down at His throne and know that they will be far better cared for than we could do on our own. I'm so thankful for you Jesus. You will see us through.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
100 for 100
It has been 33 days since we have seen our son. Thirty-three days since the morning in the park that we pushed him in a swing and held him on the see-saw. Thirty-three days since he curled his little fist under his little chin and put his sleepy head on our shoulders while we carried him back to the orphanage. Thirty-three days since we kissed his sweet cheek and told him we loved him. Thirty- three days since he heard our voice promise him that we would be back as soon as we could to bring him to the family that God designed for him. And every day since then has been nothing more than one step closer to bringing our son home.
I have gone to sleep every night thinking about Roman. I have woken up every morning thinking about Roman. I can't wait for the day I can read the same book five times in a row before he will go to sleep. I crave being woken up in the middle of the night to a child who needs nothing more than for me to pull him in my arms and rock him until he feels safe enough to fall asleep. I look forward to shampoo beards and mohawks. I'm excited to have every pot and pan pulled out in the kitchen for a makeshift drum set. I even long for grocery store trips to be nothing short of an adventure. I want my life to be governed by parks and coloring books and sippy cups and toy trucks. And we are closer than we have ever been to having all of this. I married my very best friend and I love him more every single day, but there is still a void for both of us in our little family. And God is filling that hole with a precious blue-eyed baby who is more than we could have asked for. He gives so generously.
Today we received in the mail the form that we needed from Homeland Security approving our petition to adopt. This form was supposed to take four to six weeks and it only took eight days. Praise the LORD! Provided everything else goes as smoothly, we should be travelling back to Russia get Roman around the first part of September. We have been so blessed in this entire process and we are continually being astounded every single day. There is only one more obstacle to overcome. It is a huge mountain to us, but we also know that it is, at the heart of the matter, nothing more than an opportunity to watch the LORD work and grow our faith even more. Roman's referral came at the exact right moment it was supposed to come, but, nevertheless, it came about four months earlier than what we expected and consequently, what we had budgeted for. We need to raise $10,000 for the orphanage fees, court costs, travel arrangements and hotel bills. $10,000 is a big mountain to climb, but we have just descended the $35,000 mountain God built on Scentsy, teddy bears, "Ride for the Russian", "Change a Life" and the books, clothes and other items we have sold. There have been so many of you who have kept up with our story and who have been so incredibly generous with us through this entire process. And I don't just mean the amount that you have given, but rather the sacrifice that you have made to give. Brock and I are completely humbled by this. When we started this adoption process, we wanted it to be debt free with it. God always has all the money you need to do what He has called you to do. And time after time, so many of you have been the fingerprints of God to us to provide for us. But not just for us. You have provided for an innocent child, halfway around the world. A baby whose birthmother-an orphan herself- didn't know how to have a family so she placed her sweet son in the only environment that she herself had ever known. We were told that is the vicious cycle of so many orphans. But through your prayers, encouragement and support, you are breaking that chain for Roman's generation. We cannot thank you enough. Even though we are the ones who were called to be his parents, you have been the ones who have helped change his life.
We have one final fundraising campaign. 100 for 100. We are asking for God to call 100 people who would be willing to donate $100 so we can bring Roman home. Would you be willing? I know $100 is a lot of money (and believe me, we won't turn away a partial $100 gift either!) but $100 brings Roman closer to his forever home. Below is a list that we are excited to watch God fill up. If you give, you can either choose to have us list your name or, if you are more comfortable, you can give us a special message for Roman for your number. Email me at puddinwilliams77@yahoo.com if you want to participate. So many of you have already done so much and we are so incredibly and unbelievably grateful. You have allowed God to work through you in ways that that are indescribable. Pray about this opportunity to be a part of changing Roman's life. And if you cannot give, please send us a message letting us know that you are praying for us in this final stage. One more mile and our family will be complete for this season.
1. Rick and Frances
2. Anonymous -trwf
3. "We love you, Roman and are excited to play a part of building the bridge to your new home" Bammie & Papa
4. Anonymous-bpf
5. "We thought Roman needed his mommy and daddy more than we needed a couple calorie-laden meals out to eat" Anonymous
6 Anonymous gg
7 Anonymous
8 Anonymous
9 Anonymous
10 Anonymous
11. Anonymous-mk
12. Anonymous-wcm
13. Anonymous-2
14. "Roman, I can't wait to touch you!" Grandma MO
5. "We thought Roman needed his mommy and daddy more than we needed a couple calorie-laden meals out to eat" Anonymous
6 Anonymous gg
7 Anonymous
8 Anonymous
9 Anonymous
10 Anonymous
11. Anonymous-mk
12. Anonymous-wcm
13. Anonymous-2
14. "Roman, I can't wait to touch you!" Grandma MO
15. Anonymous
16. Anonymous
17. Anonymous
18. Anonymous
19. Anonymous
20. Janet & Gene
21. Anonymous-twf
22. "Welcome Home, Roman" Mary Ann & Travis
23. "We can't wait to meet you Roman!!" Baba E, Uncle Dave, Joshua & Isaac
24."We are so excited about you!" The Newman Family
25. Advance Assisted Living
26 Holly Ruser
26 Holly Ruser
27. Eddy & Paula Eubanks
28 TBWF
29. Love, Nanny
30. Roman, you are such a blessing by God's design. You have wonderful parents and we can't wait to spend time with you! Kunze Family
31. Jerrod & Beth Murphy
32. Anonymous-talf
33. Anonymous CDB
34 Anonymous CEF
35 Anonymous DTH
36. Leslie Stephens, Shelter Insurance, Ironton, MO
37. Merissa Madden, Shelter Insurance,
38. Uncle Cheerios
39. "We can't wait for you to come stay at our house, Roman!" Renae Holzem
40 Anonymous-LTBC
41 Anonymous-CDB
42. "Uncle" Kevin Block
43. Anonymous bcf
44. Anonymous YCB
45. "Come be a TIGER with us at a game. Welcome to TIGER Country Roman! Love, Harper and Reid"
46. Anonymous-csf
47. Anonymous KRF
48. Anonymous psc
49. Anonymous-vg
50. Jim Eubanks
51. Anonymous-cg
51. Anonymous-cg
52. Anonymous-v2
53. Anonymous v2
53. Anonymous v2
54 anonymous cn
55. Anonymous-pjg
56. Anonymous-THF
57. Anonymous ltw
58. Anonymous-bdf
59. Anonymous-jw
60. Anonymous-jec
61. Anonymous-kra
62. Anonymous-mdsw
63. Anonymous kf
64. Anonymous
65. Anonymous
66. Anonymous
67. Anonymous
68 Anonymous JHF
69 Anonymous maba
70. Anonymous cjh
71. Anonymous msl
72. Anonymous sbl
73. WWC Church
74. Anonymous
75. Anonymous
76. Anonymous
77. Anonymous
78. Anonymous caf
79. Anonymous 1/2-s Anonymous wcm
80 Anonymous sce
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
98
99
100.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Seven Pairs of Socks
Another meltdown on Saturday night. I am told that most soon-to-be new moms have moments like this, but I have to tell you, at the time, it felt like I was the only one in the world who felt this way. I was in Roman's nursery-or rather what will become Roman's nursery as we still have so much to do in there-and I was looking at the baby clothes, toys and books that we have for him. I was imagining chubby little hands pushing the buttons on the toys and dimpled little fingers turning pages in the books while big blue eyes take in all the colorful pictures. My eyes drifted over the package of diapers we had for him. Diapers in the house! Not because we were having guests and not because we were babysitting over the weekend, but honest to goodness, just because we were going to need them-diapers! That part of the evening was delightful, but the swing was coming.
All of Roman's little outfits were laid out on the bed and, as I started going through them, I was filled with more and more anxiety. Every little shirt and each little pair of jeans were so adorable, but I think we'd still need a few more clothes to get him started. And socks! My baby has no socks! We still need to raise $10,000 just to bring him home and if he were to have come home that day, he would have no socks. What kind of mother am I? Roman is going to depend on us for his every need and we have only a hint of an idea what that will look like. How can we do this? We aren't prepared for this! In the back of my mind, I knew one quick trip to Target would resolve the sock dilemma but the emotions started spiraling from there. Roman will be delayed in his speech as, other than the three days we were with him, he's never heard English. How do we help him catch up? How do we comfort him when we take him from the only home he has ever known to a strange new world where days and nights are flipped and everything smells, sounds, tastes and looks different? I wasn't worried that it would be too much work. All we have wanted for years was to pour our life into another little life. I was worried though, that we were going to miss the mark for him. I was worried that we wouldn't be enough for him. What if we don't know how to meet his physical and emotional needs? At that moment, I felt completely inadequate and overwhelmed. What am I doing? I can't bring a child into a home where he has no socks.
Usually, I am not this person. It's not really my nature to worry too much about things that are either beyond my control or things that can easily be resolved. Faith and fear cannot co-exist. When we are fearful, we are basically saying that God doesn't know what we need, doesn't care what we need or we don't trust that He knows far better than we do how to provide for those needs. Fear focuses on the problem and faith focuses on the Power. I humbly and apologetically admit that I was focused on fear at that moment. For those tortuous moments, I forgot for a moment that the God who has been so faithful in the past would continue to be faithful going forward. It slipped my mind that He still has a good plan and not only would He give us wisdom if we would seek it, He also knew exactly how many threads were woven together in the socks that Roman was going to own. He knows! I don't have to have every detail figured out yet, I just have to do what's in front of me to do today.
Yesterday, we received a load of clothes from a good friend. Sweet little sweaters, delightful little plaid shirts and an array of other adorable items. Included in the bag were seven pairs of socks. In the Bible, the number seven signifies completion. God created the world in seven days. The Israelites walked around Jericho seven times before the walls came down. It took Solomon seven years to build God's temple. I don't want to over-spiritualize socks, and I know that eventually we will need more than seven pairs of socks, but at that moment it was a reminder to me that God does know better than I do what Roman needs and will provide for those needs. I can only direct my focus in one place at a time. On one hand, there is a mountain of money that still needs to be found, a large collection of baby items that still need to be obtained and a unknown emotional needs that need to be met. On the other hand? "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all of these things will be added unto you." (Matthew 6.33) I don't mean we turn a blind eye to the things in front of us, I simply mean that we pray for wisdom, stay attentive to what's before us and, as my mother would say, "Proceed with confidence". Through our friend, God not only provided the socks that triggered the silly meltdown I had two days before, but He also reminded me to "be anxious for nothing, but in all things, with prayer and petition, make your requests known to God and the peace of God, which passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." ( Phillipians 4.6) That's what I needed on Saturday. I didn't need to worry about something as silly as socks! I needed to pray about it and trust, whether through ourselves or someone else, God was going to provide socks. And instead of spiraling out of control that day, I would have had a peace that didn't have to make sense that would have guarded my heart and mind from other equally ridiculous thoughts. In a way, it's all socks to God. He's not worried and He is all-powerful. That's the God I serve. The God who has my best interest at heart. The God who has Roman's best interest at heart. The God who looked in all the world and picked us specifically to take care of Roman. The God who knew that Roman needed us-with all of our faults and frailties. The God who knew that we needed Roman. He does indeed put the solitary in families. (Psalm 68.6) My prayer is that this will be imprinted in my brain, carved into my heart. Regardless of what Roman needs-something as simple as socks or something much bigger, more complicated and critical-God will provide.
There is a story in my family of my sister, Merry Grace, three years old at the time, being under Mom's feet one day and my mother, laughingly looking down at her, asked, "What am I going to do with you, Merry Grace?"
"Feed me and love me, Momma, just feed me and love me."
Roman, we will do the best job we know how to do to feed you and love you. To the best of our ability, with God's help, we will feed your physical needs, your emotional needs and your spiritual needs. We commit to you that we will work diligently to find out who you are-who you really are. We will help you reinforce your gifts. We want to know what you will be passionate about and what brings you joy. We commit to you that we will work to help protect your vulnerabilities and also how to help you find strength because of and in spite of those vulnerabilities . I'm excited to see the man that God will grow you to be!
There are so many things we don't know. So many things that we will all learn together and we will cross bridges when we get there. God has made our path straight every step of the way and through hard work and the generousity of family, friends and even strangers, He has provided for our every need exactly when we have needed it. When we got back from Russia, there were three donations on the PayPal button here from very generous people, checks for teddy bears, donations left at the office and a card from a woman we met one time in Florida with a generous gift. Every dollar has been an answer to our prayers. God is building our family and we are completely humbled by how many people have been so generous. Thank you. Through you, God has shown us that there is nothing too big for him. Whether it's money, gifts or even socks, God is showing us that He will see this through.
And it's all as simple as socks to God.
All of Roman's little outfits were laid out on the bed and, as I started going through them, I was filled with more and more anxiety. Every little shirt and each little pair of jeans were so adorable, but I think we'd still need a few more clothes to get him started. And socks! My baby has no socks! We still need to raise $10,000 just to bring him home and if he were to have come home that day, he would have no socks. What kind of mother am I? Roman is going to depend on us for his every need and we have only a hint of an idea what that will look like. How can we do this? We aren't prepared for this! In the back of my mind, I knew one quick trip to Target would resolve the sock dilemma but the emotions started spiraling from there. Roman will be delayed in his speech as, other than the three days we were with him, he's never heard English. How do we help him catch up? How do we comfort him when we take him from the only home he has ever known to a strange new world where days and nights are flipped and everything smells, sounds, tastes and looks different? I wasn't worried that it would be too much work. All we have wanted for years was to pour our life into another little life. I was worried though, that we were going to miss the mark for him. I was worried that we wouldn't be enough for him. What if we don't know how to meet his physical and emotional needs? At that moment, I felt completely inadequate and overwhelmed. What am I doing? I can't bring a child into a home where he has no socks.
Usually, I am not this person. It's not really my nature to worry too much about things that are either beyond my control or things that can easily be resolved. Faith and fear cannot co-exist. When we are fearful, we are basically saying that God doesn't know what we need, doesn't care what we need or we don't trust that He knows far better than we do how to provide for those needs. Fear focuses on the problem and faith focuses on the Power. I humbly and apologetically admit that I was focused on fear at that moment. For those tortuous moments, I forgot for a moment that the God who has been so faithful in the past would continue to be faithful going forward. It slipped my mind that He still has a good plan and not only would He give us wisdom if we would seek it, He also knew exactly how many threads were woven together in the socks that Roman was going to own. He knows! I don't have to have every detail figured out yet, I just have to do what's in front of me to do today.
Yesterday, we received a load of clothes from a good friend. Sweet little sweaters, delightful little plaid shirts and an array of other adorable items. Included in the bag were seven pairs of socks. In the Bible, the number seven signifies completion. God created the world in seven days. The Israelites walked around Jericho seven times before the walls came down. It took Solomon seven years to build God's temple. I don't want to over-spiritualize socks, and I know that eventually we will need more than seven pairs of socks, but at that moment it was a reminder to me that God does know better than I do what Roman needs and will provide for those needs. I can only direct my focus in one place at a time. On one hand, there is a mountain of money that still needs to be found, a large collection of baby items that still need to be obtained and a unknown emotional needs that need to be met. On the other hand? "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all of these things will be added unto you." (Matthew 6.33) I don't mean we turn a blind eye to the things in front of us, I simply mean that we pray for wisdom, stay attentive to what's before us and, as my mother would say, "Proceed with confidence". Through our friend, God not only provided the socks that triggered the silly meltdown I had two days before, but He also reminded me to "be anxious for nothing, but in all things, with prayer and petition, make your requests known to God and the peace of God, which passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." ( Phillipians 4.6) That's what I needed on Saturday. I didn't need to worry about something as silly as socks! I needed to pray about it and trust, whether through ourselves or someone else, God was going to provide socks. And instead of spiraling out of control that day, I would have had a peace that didn't have to make sense that would have guarded my heart and mind from other equally ridiculous thoughts. In a way, it's all socks to God. He's not worried and He is all-powerful. That's the God I serve. The God who has my best interest at heart. The God who has Roman's best interest at heart. The God who looked in all the world and picked us specifically to take care of Roman. The God who knew that Roman needed us-with all of our faults and frailties. The God who knew that we needed Roman. He does indeed put the solitary in families. (Psalm 68.6) My prayer is that this will be imprinted in my brain, carved into my heart. Regardless of what Roman needs-something as simple as socks or something much bigger, more complicated and critical-God will provide.
There is a story in my family of my sister, Merry Grace, three years old at the time, being under Mom's feet one day and my mother, laughingly looking down at her, asked, "What am I going to do with you, Merry Grace?"
"Feed me and love me, Momma, just feed me and love me."
Roman, we will do the best job we know how to do to feed you and love you. To the best of our ability, with God's help, we will feed your physical needs, your emotional needs and your spiritual needs. We commit to you that we will work diligently to find out who you are-who you really are. We will help you reinforce your gifts. We want to know what you will be passionate about and what brings you joy. We commit to you that we will work to help protect your vulnerabilities and also how to help you find strength because of and in spite of those vulnerabilities . I'm excited to see the man that God will grow you to be!
There are so many things we don't know. So many things that we will all learn together and we will cross bridges when we get there. God has made our path straight every step of the way and through hard work and the generousity of family, friends and even strangers, He has provided for our every need exactly when we have needed it. When we got back from Russia, there were three donations on the PayPal button here from very generous people, checks for teddy bears, donations left at the office and a card from a woman we met one time in Florida with a generous gift. Every dollar has been an answer to our prayers. God is building our family and we are completely humbled by how many people have been so generous. Thank you. Through you, God has shown us that there is nothing too big for him. Whether it's money, gifts or even socks, God is showing us that He will see this through.
And it's all as simple as socks to God.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
We Will See You Soon Roman!
My heart hurt a little this morning when we woke up, knowing that this would be the last time we would see Roman for a while. I had dreamt about him most of the night before and was now bracing myself for the inevitable. How were we going to leave him?
Instead of playing inside, we were able to bundle Roman up and together, with the interpreter and driver, we walked to a local park. It took a while since we let Roman walk some of it (we had left the stroller at the baby home) and it was hard work on his little legs. He seemed much more content to walk today and maybe that was, in part, due to the sunshine. At the park, we alternated between the swing, the slide and the see-saw. He enjoyed the see-saw, didn't care for the slide and loved the swing. He started to get very still in the swing and his blinks were getting longer and slower, but he'd still thrown his head back and grin when I pulled him in. We played for about 15 minutes and noticed that he started dropping the goldfish on the way to his mouth, something he hadn't done before and we realized quickly that he was very tired. Brock picked him up, sat on a bench and laid him back on his arm and they both just gazed at each other. Tatiana and Denis were sitting on a bench at the end of the playground and I was thankful they were giving us these last few precious moments as a family. Roman put his little thumb in his little mouth and curved his little finger over his little nose and with his other hand he reached up and grabbed Brock's shirt right over his heart. Even though he was just holding the textured fabric, he was actually grasping his Daddy's heart. I felt the sacredness of the moment as I watched Brock's eyes tear up as he stroked our son's cheek with his finger and Roman seemed to fall asleep. I was starting to tear up, too, realizing that that was probably the last time we would see his blue eyes this trip, but he fluttered them open one more time, locked eyes with his Daddy and, with a sigh, drifted off to sleep.
He giveth and giveth and giveth again.
We walked slowly back to the baby home taking turns carrying him on our shoulder. He was heavy, but it was a welcome weight. The hole in my heart was filled with the bundle of this little one in my arms. We were Mommy and Daddy taking turns treasuring the too few moments we had left with him for a while. Brock and I both let the other walk alone with him at different times, so we could whisper quietly in his sleeping ear. Mine was a simple prayer I still remember from my childhood.
May the LORD bless you and keep you
May He cause His face to shine upon you
Be gracious to you
And give you peace.
We arrived at the baby home too quickly and with our hearts in our throats, we handed him back to "Judy Denche". She cooed in his ear and smiled at us and quietly walked him upstairs. And, just like that, it was time. Time for us to go home and prepare the way for him to come to his forever home. God does indeed place the solitary in families. Halfway around the world, he prepared this little boy for us and us for this little boy for we have prayed for this child and the LORD has granted us what we have asked of Him. (I Samuel 1.27) And never more than now do we realize that every good and perfect gift comes from Him.
Our Third Meeting with Roman
The third meeting with Roman was on the afternoon of the second day in Kandalaksha. After we held him while he slept that morning, he was taken so he could eat some lunch and we were dismissed so we could eat our lunch. We spent the next few hours walking around the town trying to get a feel for the place that would always be Roman's first home.
Kandalaksha is an old town and it didn't take much imagination to know that communism had once reigned there. Tatiana told us that several towns that size had been affected significantly when communism fell as there was very little reason to travel to these areas once companies had some choice in where to obtain their resources. She told us of large hotels that were once full now sat empty which made it difficult to find funds for repairs and updates. We were told that we were extremely fortunate to have running water in our room and not have to share a communal bathroom on each floor of the hotel. The hotel we stayed in was, in fact quite dated, but it was clean and had a fridge-a welcome amenity! It was not the most luxurious place we have ever stayed in, but it had a lot of charm and felt safe.
We took a few walks while we were there. We walked down the hill from our hotel to the White Sea only to realize that we couldn't access any part of the beach courtesy of the razor wire fences of the military. Still, it felt good to get outside and stretch our legs. We passed women on the sidewalk with heads covered , thick stockings with sensible shoes. We also saw many military trucks manned by gunned men. It was a little unnerving, but overall we felt very safe. Later that night at 1:30 AM, Brock would take a walk in bright daylight up the hill from our hotel to capture some photos of the tank in the park and a statue of Lenin. I watched him from the window of the hotel trying to decide what I would do if I saw anything happen to him. Thankfully, I never had to reach a decision. There were several men drinking in the park across the street, although they didn't seem rowdy. As I would have been the only woman on the streets, I was glad I opted to stay inside.
After our walk to the Sea-or rather, as close to the Sea as we could get-we had some lunch and then went back to the baby home. We were led up past the big sunny room and into a small office that we later learned was the doctor's office. The doctor was a petite woman with big glasses circa 1970. She had a large file on Roman and, as anxious as we were about that meeting, it actually served more than anything to calm our fears. We discovered that he had consistent check-ups and was in overall very good health. That meeting lasted about 45 minutes and we were told that we would get a copy of all his medical records once we adopted him.
After the doctor, we were taken back into the big sunny room and Roman was brought back into us. I think I saw that he recognized us right away this time and came to us very quickly. Since it had finally stopped raining, we bundled him up in even more layers and took him outside. We had a stroller with us, but decided to let him walk. He was not happy about that. Holding onto Brock's finger with one hand, he whimpered and reached for the stroller with the other. We put him in it and he seemed content, although he had a white knuckled grip on the tray. He giggled and kicked his feet and seemed very happy until we reached the merry-go-round.
I sat on the merry-go-round and pulled him out of his stroller. He hollered in protest and within seconds had big crocodile tears running down his fat cheeks. He had had several mosquito bites on his forehead when we first saw them, so we jokingly said that he suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder from the bites. Once we got him back in the stroller, he was fine again so we continued our walk until we all decided the mosquitoes were too much and we back inside to play.
Once inside and his little shoes were off and his toes flexed and stretched, he was quite happy to play with the ball, train and big green tractor (Grandpa Rudy is going to love the tractor-even if it is green!) He kept tripping over the hem of his too big cargo pants, so Tatiana pulled them off and he spent the rest of the time running around in his tights. They are very big on tights in Russia. I think they are scared to death to get cold, so while Brock and I are sweating and sticky, Roman was bundled up in two shirts, a fleece jacket, tights and pants. At our first visit, we asked if we could remove his tights to look at his toes and you would have thought that we asked for them to uncover a government secret. They did pull them off though for a moment, long enough to get a little video and count his toes before the stockings went right back on.
During this visit, his one of his caretakesr came in to meet with us. We were told Olga was his favorite as Roman was hers and when we had asked to talk to her, we were told that she was on vacation. Since she was in the area, she came in and for that we are extremely grateful. She gave us a little more insight into his personality and told us, with tears in her eyes, that she was so glad that he would have a family. What a selfless love she had for our son!
We were, in fact, impressed about everything we learned about the baby home. There were 50 children there, not all of them available for adoption. Roman had no siblings available at this time and our agency is very strict on making sure that sibling groups means actual, biological sibling groups. On one hand, we were a little disappointed because we were emotionally prepared for two, on another, grateful that our agency had a commitment to integrity and honesty. We had read books and gotten other information that prepared us for the worst and yet both of us felt like we couldn't have asked for a better experience. It reminded me of a time when I was engaged to Brock. I had moved to Missouri and in with my soon-to-be in-laws. Brock and I had prayed about our decision to get married and I really felt peace about the decisions we were making. Yet, in the back of my mind, I always had an "escape route". If this didn't work out, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I remember sitting at Pam and Rudy's dining room table working on reception invitations and being delighted by how well they had turned out and it hit me like a ton of bricks. By concentrating so much on my "escape route", I was missing so many of the blessings of that season. That was the same feeling that I got when we were with Roman. I think it was important for us to be aware of the potential issues we could face, but if our focus stayed too much on that, we would miss the blessings of this season. It's a hard season, wanting so badly for our son to be home, but it's a necessary season. My sister told me it was like getting an ultrasound. We got to measure him, check him out and, since we haven't felt him kicking and tumbling in me, we got to feel him-nine months worth concentrated into nine hours. We cherish those nine hours and know that God has His hands on him. He's no safer there than he would be here. And even though it feels like the six weeks or so until we get to travel again will never get here, we know that we are doing what we are supposed to do and, with God on our side, we will bring him home.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Roman!!
Okay, day four...We met with the Ministry of Education this morning and all went uneventfully perfect! But you don't want to hear about that, so without futher ado..the post you have all been waiting for....
After we checked into the hotel, we grabbed a quick bite to eat, picked up the inspector (the equivalent of our social worker) and we went to the baby home. The inspector was a petite blonde with a sweet smile and an obvious heart for children. The baby home was tucked off the road a little bit in a very old, run down building. The grounds surrounding the home were overgrown as was much of the town. We were greeted at the door by a sweet, grandmotherly woman who had the sweetest lilt in her voice. Her eyes sparkled and her laugh came easily. She looked a little bit like Judy Dench. I liked her immediately. Brock, Tatiana (the translator), the inspector and I walked down a very dark hallway to a room with a small table and eight small chairs. We were told this was where the speech therapist worked with the children three times a week. We were invited to sit down and the inspector told us everything she knew of Roman's birth mother. Her name is Ekaterina (Katy in English). Born December 20, 1986, she too had been an orphan when her mother passed away. The inspector said that she didn't know how to have a family as it hadn't been modeled to her. Since Roman's mother did not have a job and no reliable income when he was born, he was left in the baby home's care and has been in that baby home all but two days of his young life. There is nothing known about Roman's father. She relinquished her parental rights in Oct 2010 and the Russian law requires that Russians have exclusive adoption opportunities for the first six months after parents relinquish their rights and then children can be placed on the international waiting list. We were also told that she doesn't drink (praise the LORD-an answer to prayer!) and has no serious medical problems.
During this meeting, the door opened and we saw "Judy Denche" walk in, walking slowly and bent at the waist. She was mummering softly. Tatiana shifted in her seat and we saw our son. I don't know exactly what I expected to feel when I saw him for the first time and I don't think I can articulate what I did feel. He cut his eyes back and forth to all the eyes in the room and everyone held a collective breath. Thankfully, all eyes were on him. I didn't want this precious moment to be analyzed. He was guided to the table and lifted into one of the child-sized chairs directly opposite of us. "Judy" placed a few toys in front of him and he knew exactly what do. With a death grip on the cookie in his left hand, he began manipulating the toys with his right. We were all quiet and smiling, waiting on him to set the pace of this sacred meeting. He would place a ring on the tower and cut his eyes to Brock and myself like he was trying to figure out who we were. After a few moments, I moved to the other side of the table beside him and he let me "help" him with the toys. Tatina and the inspector continued to visit by themselves in Russian, leaving the Williams family to figure each other out.
In the next two hours that followed, we colored and made "music". He liked to bang the rattle rings and crayons. He was adorable. He let us hold him and rock him. We counted ten fingers and ten toes touched every dimple at every knuckle. We also found that he was ticklish and loved to be held closed and nuzzled. At one point, Brock held him and Roman grabbed his daddy's finger and sat very still as if he were trying to figure things out. I know he can't possibly know how his life is going to change, but it certainly seemed he could sense a change coming.
The next day, we were led upstairs to a big, sunny room. There were five children in the room and when we came in, the caregivers ushered the other four out. We were left alone with Roman, Tatiana and the speech therapist. She smiled as she shared her observations of our son. It seems our sweet son knows how to charm his way into hearts. He knows which caregivers will allow him to get away with more and he uses it to his full advantage. She also said that he is a very determined little guy with a very healthy appetite. He usually likes being in the group and, without bullying, seems to get his way quite often. He plays well with the other children and, according to her, has some strong leadership qualities among his peers. We spent the precious little time we had that morning playing with a ball and a train. At one point, he was sitting in Brock's lap and when Brock reached back to get the camera, I clapped and held my hands out to him and he lunged for me. My heart lunged for him and it was that moment that I knew. When Brock took him back and nestled him in the crook of his arm, Roman popped his thumb in his mouth and gazed up at Brock. He reached his fat little hands up and stroked the whiskers on Brock's chin and started giving him the long stare of a sleepy boy. Brock laid him back and within minutes, he had quietly drifted off to sleep, opening his eyes every so often to make sure that Daddy was still there. When he woke, it was lunch time and he was carried off to another room.
Everything we discovered about the baby home impressed us deeply. It seems they do an excellent job of caring for their children, providing them with massage therapy, speech therapy, music therapy and routine, extensive check-ups. While a baby home is never ideal, we couldn't have asked for better care under the circumstances. We are blessed.
I will share the next two meetings in the next blog.
After we checked into the hotel, we grabbed a quick bite to eat, picked up the inspector (the equivalent of our social worker) and we went to the baby home. The inspector was a petite blonde with a sweet smile and an obvious heart for children. The baby home was tucked off the road a little bit in a very old, run down building. The grounds surrounding the home were overgrown as was much of the town. We were greeted at the door by a sweet, grandmotherly woman who had the sweetest lilt in her voice. Her eyes sparkled and her laugh came easily. She looked a little bit like Judy Dench. I liked her immediately. Brock, Tatiana (the translator), the inspector and I walked down a very dark hallway to a room with a small table and eight small chairs. We were told this was where the speech therapist worked with the children three times a week. We were invited to sit down and the inspector told us everything she knew of Roman's birth mother. Her name is Ekaterina (Katy in English). Born December 20, 1986, she too had been an orphan when her mother passed away. The inspector said that she didn't know how to have a family as it hadn't been modeled to her. Since Roman's mother did not have a job and no reliable income when he was born, he was left in the baby home's care and has been in that baby home all but two days of his young life. There is nothing known about Roman's father. She relinquished her parental rights in Oct 2010 and the Russian law requires that Russians have exclusive adoption opportunities for the first six months after parents relinquish their rights and then children can be placed on the international waiting list. We were also told that she doesn't drink (praise the LORD-an answer to prayer!) and has no serious medical problems.
During this meeting, the door opened and we saw "Judy Denche" walk in, walking slowly and bent at the waist. She was mummering softly. Tatiana shifted in her seat and we saw our son. I don't know exactly what I expected to feel when I saw him for the first time and I don't think I can articulate what I did feel. He cut his eyes back and forth to all the eyes in the room and everyone held a collective breath. Thankfully, all eyes were on him. I didn't want this precious moment to be analyzed. He was guided to the table and lifted into one of the child-sized chairs directly opposite of us. "Judy" placed a few toys in front of him and he knew exactly what do. With a death grip on the cookie in his left hand, he began manipulating the toys with his right. We were all quiet and smiling, waiting on him to set the pace of this sacred meeting. He would place a ring on the tower and cut his eyes to Brock and myself like he was trying to figure out who we were. After a few moments, I moved to the other side of the table beside him and he let me "help" him with the toys. Tatina and the inspector continued to visit by themselves in Russian, leaving the Williams family to figure each other out.
In the next two hours that followed, we colored and made "music". He liked to bang the rattle rings and crayons. He was adorable. He let us hold him and rock him. We counted ten fingers and ten toes touched every dimple at every knuckle. We also found that he was ticklish and loved to be held closed and nuzzled. At one point, Brock held him and Roman grabbed his daddy's finger and sat very still as if he were trying to figure things out. I know he can't possibly know how his life is going to change, but it certainly seemed he could sense a change coming.
The next day, we were led upstairs to a big, sunny room. There were five children in the room and when we came in, the caregivers ushered the other four out. We were left alone with Roman, Tatiana and the speech therapist. She smiled as she shared her observations of our son. It seems our sweet son knows how to charm his way into hearts. He knows which caregivers will allow him to get away with more and he uses it to his full advantage. She also said that he is a very determined little guy with a very healthy appetite. He usually likes being in the group and, without bullying, seems to get his way quite often. He plays well with the other children and, according to her, has some strong leadership qualities among his peers. We spent the precious little time we had that morning playing with a ball and a train. At one point, he was sitting in Brock's lap and when Brock reached back to get the camera, I clapped and held my hands out to him and he lunged for me. My heart lunged for him and it was that moment that I knew. When Brock took him back and nestled him in the crook of his arm, Roman popped his thumb in his mouth and gazed up at Brock. He reached his fat little hands up and stroked the whiskers on Brock's chin and started giving him the long stare of a sleepy boy. Brock laid him back and within minutes, he had quietly drifted off to sleep, opening his eyes every so often to make sure that Daddy was still there. When he woke, it was lunch time and he was carried off to another room.
Everything we discovered about the baby home impressed us deeply. It seems they do an excellent job of caring for their children, providing them with massage therapy, speech therapy, music therapy and routine, extensive check-ups. While a baby home is never ideal, we couldn't have asked for better care under the circumstances. We are blessed.
I will share the next two meetings in the next blog.
Day Three-Medicals, Tours and Travel
Today was our last day in St. Petersburg before we meet Roman! Both Brock and I were way too excited to sleep and were awake by 3:45. It was still pretty bright outside and we watched the ships go through the canal from the window in our room. At 7:00 AM we were packed, dressed and downstairs to meet our translator, Natasha for our "medicals". Both of us were a little nervous about being inspected by foreign doctors, but all our fears were completely unfounded! We met with an oncologist, a dermatologist, general practitioner, cardiologist, pulmonologist and a psychologist. We had X-Rays, blood drawn and an EKG. And the entire experience was actually as pleasant as it could be! Every doctor was very kind, although I did tell our translator that I had no idea so many Russians were going to see us without our shirts on!
When we finished with that, Natasha took us to a resturaunt so we could experience some authentic Russian food and it was yummy! We have had meat pie, salmon pie, beet soup, and creamed chicken in a honey pot! We have since found out that a lot of Russian food has dill, garlic and mayo. They put mayo on their pizza!!! I couldn't bring myself to try that one out!! Up until then, we had eaten from the breakfast buffet, peanut butter sandwiches and McDonalds. (we say it was because of the free Wi-Fi, but it had more to do with the picture menu!!)
After lunch, we went to two different cathedrals and found out a lot more (more than than the nothing we really knew before!) about the history of Russia and quite a bit about the Russian Orthodox church. It was all fascinating and we were so glad to get to know more about Roman's birth-land.
After our whirlwind tour, we were taken to the very hot airport where Natasha waited with us until we could get our boarding passes before she had to leave us. As luck would have it, I set off the security alarm-a little overwhelming in a foreign country! So, I got the "pat down". It was less invasive than the doctors that morning, but still, it was a lot for one day!
Waiting in the airport was surreal for us. Keep in mind that we had had two hours of sleep in the past 24 hours for the second time in a three day window, add to that all the announcements were in Russian and take it one step further by giving us a delay on our flight. Granted it was only a 15 minute delay, but we had no idea why. We just knew that our flight had disappeared from the schedule. Brock, who is naturally less anxious than I am, kept telling me not to worry but I could tell he was starting to get a little antsy, too. When they did start boarding, we had to exit a sliding glass door, get on a shuttle and be driven across the tarmac to the plane. I fell asleep before we left the ground.
When we arrived in Murmansk, we were shuttled to the very old airport and we were met by Tatiana and Dennis, the translator and driver. She told us that the adoption agency had emailed her that our plane was about 15 minutes late taking off. It was a really good feeling to know, even when we didn't know it, we were being watched. In a good-not so "Big Brother" kind of way :) We made it to the hotel and crashed hard for the night. We were to meet Tatiana and Dennis at 9 AM to go to the Ministry of Education and then we'd be off to Kandalaksha to meet Roman!
When we finished with that, Natasha took us to a resturaunt so we could experience some authentic Russian food and it was yummy! We have had meat pie, salmon pie, beet soup, and creamed chicken in a honey pot! We have since found out that a lot of Russian food has dill, garlic and mayo. They put mayo on their pizza!!! I couldn't bring myself to try that one out!! Up until then, we had eaten from the breakfast buffet, peanut butter sandwiches and McDonalds. (we say it was because of the free Wi-Fi, but it had more to do with the picture menu!!)
After lunch, we went to two different cathedrals and found out a lot more (more than than the nothing we really knew before!) about the history of Russia and quite a bit about the Russian Orthodox church. It was all fascinating and we were so glad to get to know more about Roman's birth-land.
After our whirlwind tour, we were taken to the very hot airport where Natasha waited with us until we could get our boarding passes before she had to leave us. As luck would have it, I set off the security alarm-a little overwhelming in a foreign country! So, I got the "pat down". It was less invasive than the doctors that morning, but still, it was a lot for one day!
Waiting in the airport was surreal for us. Keep in mind that we had had two hours of sleep in the past 24 hours for the second time in a three day window, add to that all the announcements were in Russian and take it one step further by giving us a delay on our flight. Granted it was only a 15 minute delay, but we had no idea why. We just knew that our flight had disappeared from the schedule. Brock, who is naturally less anxious than I am, kept telling me not to worry but I could tell he was starting to get a little antsy, too. When they did start boarding, we had to exit a sliding glass door, get on a shuttle and be driven across the tarmac to the plane. I fell asleep before we left the ground.
When we arrived in Murmansk, we were shuttled to the very old airport and we were met by Tatiana and Dennis, the translator and driver. She told us that the adoption agency had emailed her that our plane was about 15 minutes late taking off. It was a really good feeling to know, even when we didn't know it, we were being watched. In a good-not so "Big Brother" kind of way :) We made it to the hotel and crashed hard for the night. We were to meet Tatiana and Dennis at 9 AM to go to the Ministry of Education and then we'd be off to Kandalaksha to meet Roman!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)