Friday, March 23, 2012
Daddy says goodbye
Hello all, I am back again to attempt to get some therapy for what has been a not so great day. In this I may just totally open up and if I do let me apologize to all beforehand. I really don't know what to say but I do know that I want to get out what is inside of me right now. I feel hurt, mad, sad, betrayed, let down, overwhelmed, and about any other word you can come up with that describes feeling bad. I know that many of you have been reading Ashley's blog and she has a wonderful way with words describing how much she wants to be a mother. Well I am so sad now because I don't get to be a daddy. I am so sad that I don't get to watch Roman grow up and teach him how to be a good man like my dad taught me. I am so mad that we have been drug through the ringer just to end this way. I am so distraught that I will not get to see Roman sleep in his room. I am so at a loss that I will not get to be woken up by a cute blue eyed blond haired cutie saying he wants to watch cartoons. I hate that I will not get to see Roman giggle when he plays with Daisy's long basset hound ears. I am so at a loss. One of the things that is tearing me apart is that I can do absolutely nothing about it. As being the "man" of the household my job is to fix stuff that is wrong. I can't fix this. My job is to be the strong one. I have no strength. My job is to redirect the path of our family to get it back on course. I have no map. It is horrible to say but I am so jealous that so many get want we want. Not of the people that love being parents but of the people that could care less what happens with their children. Please hug your children tight and love them because trust me there are people out there that would do anything to be where you are. Nothing sucks more than seeing someone with a beautiful child with parents that are so consumed with themselves that they don't take care of their children. Don't be that non-parent. Take care of your kids. Raise them to be good people and while you are at it may even make you a good person along the way. I have never in my life worked so hard for something that just vanished before your eyes. I truly felt that we would keep going until we heard, Roman is yours. I feel as if nothing is worth pushing forward for right now. I know that this will pass over time. But our lives have been at a stand still for months and now it was all for nothing. All the pictures and videos we took of Roman that brought us closer and closer to him each time we looked at them only makes the heartache worse. I truly feel as if we have lost a child. Please no disrespect to anyone reading this that has held their child in their arms as they pass on. But this is the feeling of loss that I am feeling right now. We were supposed to go see Roman before court but due to an issue with getting our visas lined out we were delayed. In one respect we are glad that we didn't see him again to get that much closer to our son. But I also hate the fact that we didn't get to say goodbye to our son. Along this entire agonizing process I have told Ashley that we can't stop pushing forward because I don't want to say 20 years from now, "I wonder what ever happened to that boy Roman." Well now that is what we get to say. Since I didn't get to say it to Roman in person I am going to say it here. Goodbye my son. I love your more than you will ever get to see. Thank you for making me a daddy for a brief amount of time. Thank you for making me smile and the look of your picture and when I got to tell people how perfect your are. I am sorry that daddy couldn't get you home. Please know that we did all that we knew how to do and we still would go to the ends of the Earth for you. I love you.
Posted by Ashley Williams at 11:05 AM