Friday, July 1, 2011

From "No!" to "Go!" in Two Years Flat

It just hit me.

Another shred of evidence of the Sovereign Plan orchestrating our adoption. 

It is 12:45 AM and we leave for Russia today.  At 3:30 PM we will board an AirBus 380, the largest commercial plane in the world.  We have been in New York since June 23rd and have been counting the days until July 2, 2011.  I was thinking about everything that we have been through in the last 19 months when we officially decided that we were ready to adopt.  It was two weeks after Roman was born, but we didn't know that at the time.  Really and truly our die was cast several months before that.  July 2, 2009 to be exact.  Two years ago to the day and if I close my eyes, I can still vividly remember that day.  As with anyone who has tried to get pregnant, my morning started with a stick and a smiley face.  We had been using an ovulation kit for about a month and a smiley face meant that it was time to call the doctor.  I went to work for a half day of work that was crazy as only a bank can be the day before the July 4th holiday.  At the last possible minute, Brock and I left for Cape so Brock could get to a lab and I could get to my doctor.  We were having an intrauterine insemination and both of us were feeling excited, scared, anxious and hopeful.  I will spare the details, except to say that as I was in the room, I suddenly felt an indescribable heartache.  I knew in a tangible way that this is not where we were supposed to be.  I had never had and still don't have a problem with medical intervention for fertility issues, but I KNEW this wasn't right for us.  And my heart shattered.

At the time, I had mistaken that ache as an indication that we weren't supposed to have children.  How could God take the oldest desire of my heart and deny it?  We knew children were a gift from God and that being entrusted with caring for one of His was the greatest blessing He could give.  Why not us?  Had we done something wrong?  Was there an unconfessed sin or unrealized disobedience?  Month after month was the same story of hormones, calendars, sticks, thermometers, and negative pregnancy tests . I had lost one baby and I hated that term.  Lost like I had misplaced a child as though I wasn't constantly mindful of those too few days that I had life in me.  It was heartbreaking.  It was wearing on our relationship.  It was gnawing at our friendships.  Infertility was a beast that was sinking it's talons into every aspect of our life.  We'd read articles on food we should eat, clothes we should wear, supplements we should take and even thoughts we should think.  Baby showers were heartwrenching for me.  Movies could bring me to tears.  Getting "the call" from friends made me feel like I was being suffocated.   And as I was on the table in that doctor's office, I heard, or rather felt, a resounding, "No."  Why not us, LORD?  Did you forget us?

When we got the tests back a few weeks later that the IUI was not successful, I was a mess.  I knew I had already had my answer, but there was a tiny ray of hope that was snuffed out that day.  I had told Brock through tears and hiccups that I had to stop.  "Please, give me until December.  I need to not think about this for a few months.  Please, let's stop until December."   And in those four months, I began to believe that we would never be parents.

In December, we had another week of hope.  The tests weren't confirming anything, but something was happening physically.  On the other side of the world, a woman we will probably never know had just given birth to a child.  Born at 32 weeks, Roman was tiny.  We thought we were pregnant, but physically I simply was under a lot of stress.  Maybe metaphysically, I felt our son had come into the world.   And then finally, at the exact right moment for us and for Roman, we decided to adopt.

Now, today, two years to the day later we are boarding a plane that will take us to see our son.   I now know that God wasn't just saying "No!" to us two years ago today.  He was also saying "Wait!" and two years later, He is saying "Go!"  The God who is sovereign over all time and space knew that even though we waited in the doctor's office one year, we would be waiting in an airport two years later.  Roman, He knew you were coming.  At the very moment we were trying to create a life that day, He was knitting you together in the second trimester of your life.  The Bible tells me that every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of Lights and you are our good gift, Roman.

I am so thankful that we know the other side of the "No" that day.  If we had had our way, we never would have had the awesome privilege of being your parents. We don't always get to see what's on the other side of a no, but we do always know that He has a plan that will bring us good. (Jeremiah 29.11)  I hope someday that we will be able to give you siblings, but for now, you complete this season.  This entire process has been more than we thought we could do, but, by God's grace alone, here we are.  It was so much paperwork and fundraising and running and pushing us out of every comfort zone we've had and it has been worth every minute.  Sure, it would have been easier for an IUI to work, but we would have missed so much.  You, Roman, have enriched our life already and made us stronger and braver than we thought we could be.  You have already brought us joy and a sense of purpose.  We know love more powerfully because you've been placed in our life.

And this is just the beginning.

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