There are so many people who have told me that they are awaiting updates. I usually have to feel like I'm in "the mood" to write and that isn't the case today, but my heart IS overflowing with everything that has happened in the last few days and I know that I have the joyful obligation to share what the LORD has done through your prayers! Yesterday morning, I woke up with unrelenting certainity that we will be parents very soon and it was wonderful. All of the groaning and uncertainity was lifted and replaced by a perfect and indescribable peace. God has moved mountains in the last week.
A week ago today, was a stormy day. And in this past week, a whirlwind of activity has propelled us closer to Roman. I just want today's blog to be a list of praises for all that God has done in the last seven days. Brock is on his way to St. Louis right now to go to the Secretary of State's office for, Lord willing, the very last time before we hold Roman again. He will then go to DHL and expedite everything to Russia. It should arrive on Monday and then we wait for our court date.
Last Wednesday, Dr. Dahlbeck told us that the earliest appointment he could squeeze us in would be toward the end of October. When Brock called the next morning, it just so happened that someone had cancelled their 1:00 appointment. I kinda think an angel held that spot until we could get to it! I believe from the core of my being that God knew the moment that person reserved that time, it was never meant for him or her. I believe God knew we needed it and knew what day we would need it and knew what time that patient would call to cancel so that it was cancelled just before Brock called. No one else got to have that time slot. For me, it will always be another miracle in an already incredible journey. Dr. Dahlbeck said he would also work through lunch so that he could devote the required one hour to each of us. Monday afternoon he had our reports ready and he donated his time writing them! What should have been a $500 bill was only $200! Praise the LORD! If God be for us, who can be against us?
When Brock called GMAC Mortgage on Wednesday, he was told that the letter they had initially sent out was the letter approved by the legal department and they had no idea how long it would take to have a new letter drafted, approved and sent. If you don't remember, the ONLY problem with the letter was that it didn't have the job title of the person who signed the letter. The person with whom Brock spoke made it sound like they didn't know what they could legally include that would authenticate that employee. Friday afternoon, GMAC contacted Brock and said they pushed it through and they were OVERNIGHTING the letter to us. It was in our hands on Monday. Why in the big, huge conglomerate of GMAC should Brock and Lara Ashley Williams matter? I believe God allowed the right information to get into the hands of the right person who had compassion on us and our son and was moved to act quickly! Praise the LORD! If God be for us, who can be against us?
The GMAC letter had to be apostilled in Iowa. The letter has to be sent to the Secretary of State's office where the notary is authenticated and a seal then makes the document legal as an international document. Brock just happens to have a friend who has a step-mother who happens to live in Des Moines who happened to be off on Tuesday who happened to be happy to let us overnight our letter to her. She walked it in the the Secretary of State's office, overnighted it back and Brock is picking it up at the Fed-Ex hub today because on Monday, the Fed Ex employee happened to mention that we could get it more quickly if we picked it up instead of waiting for it to be deliever. By the way, if you don't know, Cape Girardeau happens to be on the way to St. Louis so he can ship it with all the other paper work we have. I just "happen" to think that God sent the right people at the right time with the right schedule. Praise the LORD! If God be for us, who can be against us?
In other praiseworthy news: We were told if we didn't make the October 5th deadline, (three months from the first medicals we had) we would have to fly back to Russia, redo our $1600 medicals and then fly back home and await another court date. Guess what happened next? Our judge had us fill out a contract saying that we would redo our medicals in the SAME TRIP AS OUR COURT DATE if we couldn't make it by October 5th. Praise God, that saved us the cost of another round trip flight. AND! The results of our bloodwork in Russia are vaild for six months, so we don't have to redo that. Not a big deal except that it takes the price of a medical from $1600 to $300!!
So, here is where we stand right now. The papers that the judge needed are being expedited to St. Petersburg today and should arrive on Monday. There, the translators will attach the translations (which, by the grace of God they allowed us to email over first so they could start working on them) and then mail that to Murmansk where our translator will take it to the judge. If they overnight it (we haven't been told clearly if they will or not) the judge will have it in her hands on Tuesday and she can set a court date after she approves it. It takes four days to get a visa and we have to have a court date to get a visa for this trip. And then we go. Brock had figured out last night that we have all the money we should need for the visas, the flight, the medicals and the court and orphange costs. We still need to raise the last bit for our accomadations, but why would God drop us in the details now?
Keep praying for us. Pray that the all in the information Dr. Dahlbeck included would be sufficient for the judge and our deed and letter from GMAC would convince her we do own our home. Pray that nothing gets lost in the mail (and that's another miracle that nothing has so far!) We have felt the power of your prayers already! We are so close! Before we know it, our biggest stressors will be potty-training and pacifiers. We won't have to think of apostilles and expediting except to remember that God moved mightily in the midst of eveything. We won't have to worry about paperwork and processes and courtdates and visas deadlines and timelines...
Until we are ready to adopt the little girl who keeps appearing in my dreams.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Providence and Power
Our God is an awesome God!
The last time I left you, I was dressed in red shoes and lipstick in a terrbile thunderstorm and crushed on the inside. We needed a psychological evaluation and further proof that we owned our home to satisfy the judge. Brock had placed several calls to different psychologists. One doctor, Dr. Dahlbeck, in particular was highly recommended, but the first time we called we didn't get to speak with him. We have a very special friend who is also in the process of adopting and works in a place that deals quite a bit with psychologists. She called on our behalf and was put right through. After explaining our situation to him, he said that he would be willing to help us. So, when we called back, we were put right through. Our network of friends has been completely amazing! Dr. Dahlbeck told us he was willing to conduct evaluation, but the earliest appointment he open was at the end of October and suggested that we call back in the morning to schedule an appointment. In the meantime, we were still looking.
The next morning, Brock called me on the way to a meeting in Cape Girardeau to tell me that I had a noon appointment with Dr. Dahlabeck and he would see him at 1:00. I believe it was Divine Providence. Just before Brock had called that morning, a patient we will never know, but to whom we will be eternally grateful, called to cancel their 1:00 appointment. The receptionist had asked Brock to hold a moment while she asked Dr. Dahlbeck a question. Coming back on the phone, she told him that the doctor was willing to work through lunch to squeeze me into the noon hour. Twenty-two hours after we were told that we needed to jump through more hoops, we had at least half of requirments in motion.
Twenty-two hours. 1320 minutes. It is amazing.
Another small miracle. God overwhelmed my inadequacies and provided when I didn't even know I needed provision. Brock called me on my way to my appointment and the conversation went like this:
"Are you there yet, Ashley?"
"Not yet, I got caught at the office, but I'll be there. I still have eleven minutes."
"Where are you?"
"I'm on 25"
"WHAT?!?"
"Please don't. You are stressing me out. I meant to be there by now, but I just didn't get away in time."
"Okay, then I'm going to get off the phone so I don't stress you out further. Just be careful and hurry"
"I know, I know. I love you and I'll see you in a bit"
"Love you, too. Bye"
I ALMOST hung up the phone but felt an overwhelming urge to say one more thing...
"Brock?"
"Yeah?"
"Why are you panicking? I have plenty of time to get to Dexter before noon."
"Ashley, the appointment is in Sikeston."
I knew his office was in the Ferguson Medical Group, but something was said the day before that made me think that the appointment was in Dexter (a ten minute drive) not Sikeston (a twenty minute drive). My heart skipped a beat at the thought of how close I had come to ruining everything. I called the doctor's office and let them know that I would be a little late. Said a quick prayer for a safe trip and drove at least 85 the rest of the way. I hate speeding....now. As a teenager, that was a different story, but now that I am oh-so-much wiser I'm actually one of those nerds who believes that the speed limits are there to keep us safe and I always get caught, but not that day. Praise the LORD! I knew I had a dozen stoplights to get through in Sikeston, but, would you believe that all but one of them were green! I flew into the office and a lone woman was coming up a deserted hallway. I stopped her and asked where Dr. Dahlbeck's office was and she led me through what felt like a maze of hallways and told me to go downstairs and to the right. I thank God that He sent her down that hallway at that exact moment. I apologized profusely to Dr. Dahlbeck and told him what had happened. He told me it was completley okay and he was just as shocked as I was that he could get us in the day after we called.
"That just never happens."
Thankfully, Brock's story was far less dramatic and we couldn't be more pleased with Dr. Dahlbeck's help! He told us that he should have the report done by the beginning of next week and it should be in Russia by Thursday. We also realized that we needed to be extremely grateful because, apparently, Russian judges ALWAYS want additional paperwork. The fact that these were the only two things that she needed from us is such an incredible blessing. Although, evidently, we should have had these evaluations done from the beginning, but that information wasn't passed on to us. Agencies make mistakes and employees make mistakes and soon-to-be mommies make mistakes. And God's grace and provision covers it all.
I want to tell you all what an incredible blessing you have been to us! I have never felt the evidence of God answering prayers so strongly! We are still trying to finish our 100 for 100 list and we still have some pledges for which we are waiting. God has been so faithful through His people and I know He will continue to provide!
A couple of quick stories that touched my heart before I sign off:
At the end of last month, I was trying to make a mad attempt to hit my Scentsy goal of selling $2,000 so I could get the extra bonus. With school starting, it was a tight month for most customers. I called my mom just to see if she wanted to stock up on a few Christmas presents and she ordered some warmers and wax. This morning she called and said that she had finally had a few minutes to open the Scentsy box and decided that she wanted to keep all the warmers for herself. "These are Roman's Candles, Ashley." She wanted to put them all over their small house so that everytime she saw their light of smelled their fragrance, she would be reminded of her grandson.
Thank you, Mom.
Almost two weeks ago now, I got a card in the mail from a person I have never even met but who had read the blog thanks to a mutual friend's suggestion. She and her husband had wanted to play a part in helping bring our son home. They had already sent one 100 for 100 and in this card was another $100 check. Her note simply said, "We decided that Roman needs his parents way more than we need a couple extra calorie-laden restaurant meals. Hope this helps a little."
My heart lept to my throat and I began to tear up. These precious, precious people sacrificed for our son. So many people have offered sacrficies of their time, their prayers and their money. I know that every one of you who have given any amount could have spent that same money on something else. For some of it may have been a fun date night with your spouse. For some of you it may have been even more essential. Our deepest prayer is that God will repay you abundantly for your sacrifices.
"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over will be poured into your lap" Luke 6.38a
The last time I left you, I was dressed in red shoes and lipstick in a terrbile thunderstorm and crushed on the inside. We needed a psychological evaluation and further proof that we owned our home to satisfy the judge. Brock had placed several calls to different psychologists. One doctor, Dr. Dahlbeck, in particular was highly recommended, but the first time we called we didn't get to speak with him. We have a very special friend who is also in the process of adopting and works in a place that deals quite a bit with psychologists. She called on our behalf and was put right through. After explaining our situation to him, he said that he would be willing to help us. So, when we called back, we were put right through. Our network of friends has been completely amazing! Dr. Dahlbeck told us he was willing to conduct evaluation, but the earliest appointment he open was at the end of October and suggested that we call back in the morning to schedule an appointment. In the meantime, we were still looking.
The next morning, Brock called me on the way to a meeting in Cape Girardeau to tell me that I had a noon appointment with Dr. Dahlabeck and he would see him at 1:00. I believe it was Divine Providence. Just before Brock had called that morning, a patient we will never know, but to whom we will be eternally grateful, called to cancel their 1:00 appointment. The receptionist had asked Brock to hold a moment while she asked Dr. Dahlbeck a question. Coming back on the phone, she told him that the doctor was willing to work through lunch to squeeze me into the noon hour. Twenty-two hours after we were told that we needed to jump through more hoops, we had at least half of requirments in motion.
Twenty-two hours. 1320 minutes. It is amazing.
Another small miracle. God overwhelmed my inadequacies and provided when I didn't even know I needed provision. Brock called me on my way to my appointment and the conversation went like this:
"Are you there yet, Ashley?"
"Not yet, I got caught at the office, but I'll be there. I still have eleven minutes."
"Where are you?"
"I'm on 25"
"WHAT?!?"
"Please don't. You are stressing me out. I meant to be there by now, but I just didn't get away in time."
"Okay, then I'm going to get off the phone so I don't stress you out further. Just be careful and hurry"
"I know, I know. I love you and I'll see you in a bit"
"Love you, too. Bye"
I ALMOST hung up the phone but felt an overwhelming urge to say one more thing...
"Brock?"
"Yeah?"
"Why are you panicking? I have plenty of time to get to Dexter before noon."
"Ashley, the appointment is in Sikeston."
I knew his office was in the Ferguson Medical Group, but something was said the day before that made me think that the appointment was in Dexter (a ten minute drive) not Sikeston (a twenty minute drive). My heart skipped a beat at the thought of how close I had come to ruining everything. I called the doctor's office and let them know that I would be a little late. Said a quick prayer for a safe trip and drove at least 85 the rest of the way. I hate speeding....now. As a teenager, that was a different story, but now that I am oh-so-much wiser I'm actually one of those nerds who believes that the speed limits are there to keep us safe and I always get caught, but not that day. Praise the LORD! I knew I had a dozen stoplights to get through in Sikeston, but, would you believe that all but one of them were green! I flew into the office and a lone woman was coming up a deserted hallway. I stopped her and asked where Dr. Dahlbeck's office was and she led me through what felt like a maze of hallways and told me to go downstairs and to the right. I thank God that He sent her down that hallway at that exact moment. I apologized profusely to Dr. Dahlbeck and told him what had happened. He told me it was completley okay and he was just as shocked as I was that he could get us in the day after we called.
"That just never happens."
Thankfully, Brock's story was far less dramatic and we couldn't be more pleased with Dr. Dahlbeck's help! He told us that he should have the report done by the beginning of next week and it should be in Russia by Thursday. We also realized that we needed to be extremely grateful because, apparently, Russian judges ALWAYS want additional paperwork. The fact that these were the only two things that she needed from us is such an incredible blessing. Although, evidently, we should have had these evaluations done from the beginning, but that information wasn't passed on to us. Agencies make mistakes and employees make mistakes and soon-to-be mommies make mistakes. And God's grace and provision covers it all.
I want to tell you all what an incredible blessing you have been to us! I have never felt the evidence of God answering prayers so strongly! We are still trying to finish our 100 for 100 list and we still have some pledges for which we are waiting. God has been so faithful through His people and I know He will continue to provide!
A couple of quick stories that touched my heart before I sign off:
At the end of last month, I was trying to make a mad attempt to hit my Scentsy goal of selling $2,000 so I could get the extra bonus. With school starting, it was a tight month for most customers. I called my mom just to see if she wanted to stock up on a few Christmas presents and she ordered some warmers and wax. This morning she called and said that she had finally had a few minutes to open the Scentsy box and decided that she wanted to keep all the warmers for herself. "These are Roman's Candles, Ashley." She wanted to put them all over their small house so that everytime she saw their light of smelled their fragrance, she would be reminded of her grandson.
Thank you, Mom.
Almost two weeks ago now, I got a card in the mail from a person I have never even met but who had read the blog thanks to a mutual friend's suggestion. She and her husband had wanted to play a part in helping bring our son home. They had already sent one 100 for 100 and in this card was another $100 check. Her note simply said, "We decided that Roman needs his parents way more than we need a couple extra calorie-laden restaurant meals. Hope this helps a little."
My heart lept to my throat and I began to tear up. These precious, precious people sacrificed for our son. So many people have offered sacrficies of their time, their prayers and their money. I know that every one of you who have given any amount could have spent that same money on something else. For some of it may have been a fun date night with your spouse. For some of you it may have been even more essential. Our deepest prayer is that God will repay you abundantly for your sacrifices.
"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over will be poured into your lap" Luke 6.38a
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Storms
Just when Brock and I feel like it's emotionally safe to envision details of Roman's homecoming, our world spirals again, and we have to tuck our chins and lean into another adoption storm.
I came into the office yesterday afternoon after an extremely busy morning of Scentsy appointments and errands with energy from being productive and efficient. Brock was on the phone and I could tell from his shaking leg and furrowed brow that something wasn't right. Then the words that plummeted my heart into my stomach and made me naseous came from his mouth and everything else just became a tumbled blur.
"Does this mean that we might not make the October 5th deadline? We might have to go back and do our medicals again?"
When we had our homestudy last December, the case worker assigned to us determined that we did not need a psychological evaluation. According to our first dossier, that decision could be left to the discernment of our case worker. Now, the judge says that we do have to have it. That we have had to have it all along. Additionally, the letter that we sent from GMAC stating that we own our home and aren't in jeopardy of losing it, isn't sufficient because it does not have the job title of the person who signed the letter. The words "Account Specialist" or "Loan Officer" or whatever they call their qualified letter writers are throwing a huge wrench in things. It took a month and a half to get that half-page letter. According to our agency, the judge is concerned that they letter might have been written by the one who cleans the toilets. What's even more disheartening is when we asked what more we could do to prove that we own our home, as we had sent the letter from GMAC detailing our equity and sent documentation from the county determining that we reside at and pay taxes for our property, our agency had no response. Tatiana, our Russian translator, can go before the judge to ask for futher details on Mondays only. And so, our dream of having a court date this week is snuffed out. And another week is added on to the already lenghty process. Another week of Roman not knowing Mommy and Daddy. Another week of answering questions and another week of listening to the comments of well-meaning people, "Don't you have that baby by now? Isn't he going to be driving by the time you bring him home?"
Listening to Brock's end of the conversation, I felt my world spinning out of control again. I couldn't breathe. I had to get out of there and so I walked out. I came home, curled up in the fetal position and cried for an hour. I couldn't even form words to pray. There was an elephant on my chest and a boulder in my belly. How much longer can we keep doing this? I quit. I can't. It hurts too bad. I closed the door to Roman's room and sobbed in mine. With every fiber of my being, I wanted to run away. But I knew that I couldn't leave Brock and heap more grief and worry on his heavy laden shoulders. And I knew that we couldn't quit because I know the face of our son. And from some untapped resource in the recesses of our soul, we had to find strength to keep fighting for our Roman. There was a boy and a man who needed something from me right at that moment and I didn't have the power to give.
God would have to do it in me.
I called the office again and asked Brock to clarify what was so murky to him. He sounded as numb as I felt broken. Ok, then, what's our first step? He didn't know. We both knew we couldn't wait until next Monday for the agency to tell us what to do. He got a copy of our deed and we pray that this will, by a miracle from the LORD, satisfy the judge. We called a psychologist and found one who would try his best to fit us in for $100 an hour estimating it would take about five hours. Another $500 on top of all the other final fees that we don't completely have. I know God will provide, but it just feels like we are hemorrhaging. We are financially, emotionally and physically spent.
"Tell me Brock, what do you need me to do right now?"
"I don't know, Ashley....just don't fall apart on me right now, okay?" I could hear the tears in his voice. Okay. I can't fall apart. Brock needs his wife and Roman needs his Mommy.
And we all need the LORD.
I got up, washed my face and fixed my hair and makeup. I put on my red shoes and my jewelry. If you aren't a woman, this might not make sense to you. But I knew that if I looked put together on the outside, I'd feel a little less fragile on the inside. My mother used to call it her "magic lipstick". I can face so much more with my magic lipstick. We called for the psychologist, we called GMAC and we went to church and played with babies in the nursery. We talked to our friends and joked with them. For a few hours, we had just a little bit of normalcy before we had to wake up again and face another day of apostilles and notaries and fundraising. We were rebalancing.
There is a poem by Rudyard Kipling that I memorized when I was a little girl. My father instilled a deep love for poetry and words in us. I attribute any skill I have in writing to the countless hours he spent quoting poetry and explaining that verbs were the heart of a sentence. I fondly remember many evenings sitting on the back porch, watching the rain come in and singing old hymns or listening to him quote lines from poetry that he had mentally collected throughout his life time. One of my favorites and one of the first ones I memorized was Rudyard Kipling's If. One of the stanzas seems completely appropriate now to a depth I never understood before.
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
to serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on 'til there is nothing in you
Expect the will which says to them: "Hold on!"
We can't fall apart. We can't give up. There's not a sane parent who would walk away from their child, no matter the challenge. I don't know why all this is happening when so many other parents have had such an easy time. But I do know this: These experiences aren't for nothing. God's just weaving another layer into our story. There may be an elephant on my chest, but there is a firm foundation under my feet. One of them will have to move and this, too, I know: My Foundation is unshakable.
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock." Matthew 7.24-25
I don't welcome the storms, but I do know that God will use these experiences for His glory. He has promised not to give us more than we can handle. Like so many other people who have walked through even hotter fires than this, I guess I just feel like God has more confidence in us than we do in ourselves. But His ways are higher and His grace is sufficient. And His power is made perfect in our weakness.
I came into the office yesterday afternoon after an extremely busy morning of Scentsy appointments and errands with energy from being productive and efficient. Brock was on the phone and I could tell from his shaking leg and furrowed brow that something wasn't right. Then the words that plummeted my heart into my stomach and made me naseous came from his mouth and everything else just became a tumbled blur.
"Does this mean that we might not make the October 5th deadline? We might have to go back and do our medicals again?"
When we had our homestudy last December, the case worker assigned to us determined that we did not need a psychological evaluation. According to our first dossier, that decision could be left to the discernment of our case worker. Now, the judge says that we do have to have it. That we have had to have it all along. Additionally, the letter that we sent from GMAC stating that we own our home and aren't in jeopardy of losing it, isn't sufficient because it does not have the job title of the person who signed the letter. The words "Account Specialist" or "Loan Officer" or whatever they call their qualified letter writers are throwing a huge wrench in things. It took a month and a half to get that half-page letter. According to our agency, the judge is concerned that they letter might have been written by the one who cleans the toilets. What's even more disheartening is when we asked what more we could do to prove that we own our home, as we had sent the letter from GMAC detailing our equity and sent documentation from the county determining that we reside at and pay taxes for our property, our agency had no response. Tatiana, our Russian translator, can go before the judge to ask for futher details on Mondays only. And so, our dream of having a court date this week is snuffed out. And another week is added on to the already lenghty process. Another week of Roman not knowing Mommy and Daddy. Another week of answering questions and another week of listening to the comments of well-meaning people, "Don't you have that baby by now? Isn't he going to be driving by the time you bring him home?"
Listening to Brock's end of the conversation, I felt my world spinning out of control again. I couldn't breathe. I had to get out of there and so I walked out. I came home, curled up in the fetal position and cried for an hour. I couldn't even form words to pray. There was an elephant on my chest and a boulder in my belly. How much longer can we keep doing this? I quit. I can't. It hurts too bad. I closed the door to Roman's room and sobbed in mine. With every fiber of my being, I wanted to run away. But I knew that I couldn't leave Brock and heap more grief and worry on his heavy laden shoulders. And I knew that we couldn't quit because I know the face of our son. And from some untapped resource in the recesses of our soul, we had to find strength to keep fighting for our Roman. There was a boy and a man who needed something from me right at that moment and I didn't have the power to give.
God would have to do it in me.
I called the office again and asked Brock to clarify what was so murky to him. He sounded as numb as I felt broken. Ok, then, what's our first step? He didn't know. We both knew we couldn't wait until next Monday for the agency to tell us what to do. He got a copy of our deed and we pray that this will, by a miracle from the LORD, satisfy the judge. We called a psychologist and found one who would try his best to fit us in for $100 an hour estimating it would take about five hours. Another $500 on top of all the other final fees that we don't completely have. I know God will provide, but it just feels like we are hemorrhaging. We are financially, emotionally and physically spent.
"Tell me Brock, what do you need me to do right now?"
"I don't know, Ashley....just don't fall apart on me right now, okay?" I could hear the tears in his voice. Okay. I can't fall apart. Brock needs his wife and Roman needs his Mommy.
And we all need the LORD.
I got up, washed my face and fixed my hair and makeup. I put on my red shoes and my jewelry. If you aren't a woman, this might not make sense to you. But I knew that if I looked put together on the outside, I'd feel a little less fragile on the inside. My mother used to call it her "magic lipstick". I can face so much more with my magic lipstick. We called for the psychologist, we called GMAC and we went to church and played with babies in the nursery. We talked to our friends and joked with them. For a few hours, we had just a little bit of normalcy before we had to wake up again and face another day of apostilles and notaries and fundraising. We were rebalancing.
There is a poem by Rudyard Kipling that I memorized when I was a little girl. My father instilled a deep love for poetry and words in us. I attribute any skill I have in writing to the countless hours he spent quoting poetry and explaining that verbs were the heart of a sentence. I fondly remember many evenings sitting on the back porch, watching the rain come in and singing old hymns or listening to him quote lines from poetry that he had mentally collected throughout his life time. One of my favorites and one of the first ones I memorized was Rudyard Kipling's If. One of the stanzas seems completely appropriate now to a depth I never understood before.
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
to serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on 'til there is nothing in you
Expect the will which says to them: "Hold on!"
We can't fall apart. We can't give up. There's not a sane parent who would walk away from their child, no matter the challenge. I don't know why all this is happening when so many other parents have had such an easy time. But I do know this: These experiences aren't for nothing. God's just weaving another layer into our story. There may be an elephant on my chest, but there is a firm foundation under my feet. One of them will have to move and this, too, I know: My Foundation is unshakable.
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock." Matthew 7.24-25
I don't welcome the storms, but I do know that God will use these experiences for His glory. He has promised not to give us more than we can handle. Like so many other people who have walked through even hotter fires than this, I guess I just feel like God has more confidence in us than we do in ourselves. But His ways are higher and His grace is sufficient. And His power is made perfect in our weakness.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Songs, Sentiments and Such
Dear Roman,
It was a full day today. It's 12:30 in the morning and I am wide awake. My brain is humming a mile a minute. Across the world, you are getting ready to go down for your morning nap and I can't help but wonder if you remember the man who held you in his arms and rocked you to sleep two months ago. Hopefully, before we all know it, he can rock you to sleep again very soon.
Your aunt Lizzie sent me a text message Sunday morning. She said that she had asked Joshua if he remembered meeting her for the first time. Lizzie has had the delightful privilege of loving and being a step mom to Joshua for a little over a year now. She said that he looked confused and said, "No". To Joshua, Liz has always been a part of his life. She encouraged me that it will be the same for you. You will never remember a time when we weren't part of your life. But believe me, right now I feel very acutely every day that you are not part of ours.
We did get our first good news in a long time today. We had a call from a man at the FBI saying that he had received a message from our Congresswoman, Jo Ann Emerson's office requesting that our background checks be expedited. He asked if we would feel comfortable with overnighting new prints to his attenition as ours still were not in the system. He was worried we would be upset about the second $36 dollar fee! Your dad and I both got three sets each, just in case one wasn't readable and he said that, provided there was nothing in our background, we might get them back within the week. That would be a miracle because Dad called his buddy in DC to see if we could overnight the background check to him to be apostilled (a word that I never want to hear again...or at least until we decide we are ready for you to have a sibling!) and we found out that he could take them on the 15th only. I am sure there are other days later than that, too, but it was either the 9th or 15th and I don't think there is anyway at all-with today being the 6th-that we would have the completed checks to him by the 9th. That means if we are holding them in our hands next Wednesday at the latest, we could overnight them to him and he could overnight them back and we would be done with the paperwork we've been given. All of these hoops to jump through just because we misread the directions for the second dossier. We are also holding our breath and waiting to see if maybe, by another miracle, the judge in Russia will be compassionate and give us a court date without these papers allowing us to bring them with us. We are praying hard. There's so much to coordinate and so many things that have to work out just right at all the right moments or we may loose precious time with you. It's interesting that I keep thinking of the phrase "God will 'orchestrate' everything perfectly". I don't know if you will have a passion for music or not, but if you think of an orchestra, different instruments are playing different notes at different times. Some instruments are required to be silent for measures and others dominate different parts of the piece. Yet, it all comes together to make beautiful music. This is your song Roman. It is a passionate and moving piece that swells and flows and by God's grace will crescendo at the perfectly appointed time.
Speaking of music, other than the Chili's "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back" song, I keep humming the tune to tune to Mighty to Save. I have faith that we will see Him move some mountains in the coming days.
I am sure that you will have heard the story of how your father proposed to me a million times, but I'm going to tell you here. I was expecting him and his parents to fly down on a Friday in February so our families could meet. Little did I realize that he had actually booked his flight into San Antonion on a Wednesday, rented a car and drove down to Rio Frio where he officially asked your Bammie and Papa's permission to marry me. Then on Thursday, he met with my roommate, got a key to our house and when I got home from work, I was surprised by a trail of rose petals. He sang "Bless the Broken Road" and got down on one knee and for the very first time told me that he loved me. That song has been the theme in our marriage and, as I write this, I know that it is the theme in your homecoming, too. Especially the chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.
I realize that this is a love song, but stretch your imagination with me for a minute. By now you know that we tried for several years to bring you into our family biologically. And each year that passed that we didn't have your smile in our life we were broken hearted, but God was builiding a different road for us. One that we would never have imagined that we would have had enough strength to complete. And finally, God showed us that you, our first born son, were never meant to be born from my belly, but you were always designed to be born from our heart. Born across the world, and yet God built the road that led us straight to you. It hasn't been an easy road at all, but there has been enough grace and peace for every obstacle we have encountered. All the while, God is developing our character so we can be the parents you so desperately deserve. That broken road will bring us wholeness. Bringing you home has been the most extraordinary thing we have ever been a part of. It was always you we wanted, Roman. We didn't always have a name and a face on our deepest desire, but it was always you. We didn't know the story God would write in bringing you into our family, but it was always you.
I can't wait for you to know what it feels like to have a Mommy and a Daddy with you every day. I can't wait for you to finally and rightfully know the feeling of being in a home where your parents would lay their life down for you. Your father has called the FBI and Jo Ann's office every working day since we found out about our "due date". He is persistent. His persistence is the reason I am his wife. It took him two and a half years to convince me to come visit him. And it's his persistence that will have you home sooner rather than later. I'm so glad that God put that "bulldog" in him. He is doing it because he is already so in love with you.
I'm ready to sleep now. Good night, Roman. We will see you soon.
Love,
Mommy
It was a full day today. It's 12:30 in the morning and I am wide awake. My brain is humming a mile a minute. Across the world, you are getting ready to go down for your morning nap and I can't help but wonder if you remember the man who held you in his arms and rocked you to sleep two months ago. Hopefully, before we all know it, he can rock you to sleep again very soon.
Your aunt Lizzie sent me a text message Sunday morning. She said that she had asked Joshua if he remembered meeting her for the first time. Lizzie has had the delightful privilege of loving and being a step mom to Joshua for a little over a year now. She said that he looked confused and said, "No". To Joshua, Liz has always been a part of his life. She encouraged me that it will be the same for you. You will never remember a time when we weren't part of your life. But believe me, right now I feel very acutely every day that you are not part of ours.
We did get our first good news in a long time today. We had a call from a man at the FBI saying that he had received a message from our Congresswoman, Jo Ann Emerson's office requesting that our background checks be expedited. He asked if we would feel comfortable with overnighting new prints to his attenition as ours still were not in the system. He was worried we would be upset about the second $36 dollar fee! Your dad and I both got three sets each, just in case one wasn't readable and he said that, provided there was nothing in our background, we might get them back within the week. That would be a miracle because Dad called his buddy in DC to see if we could overnight the background check to him to be apostilled (a word that I never want to hear again...or at least until we decide we are ready for you to have a sibling!) and we found out that he could take them on the 15th only. I am sure there are other days later than that, too, but it was either the 9th or 15th and I don't think there is anyway at all-with today being the 6th-that we would have the completed checks to him by the 9th. That means if we are holding them in our hands next Wednesday at the latest, we could overnight them to him and he could overnight them back and we would be done with the paperwork we've been given. All of these hoops to jump through just because we misread the directions for the second dossier. We are also holding our breath and waiting to see if maybe, by another miracle, the judge in Russia will be compassionate and give us a court date without these papers allowing us to bring them with us. We are praying hard. There's so much to coordinate and so many things that have to work out just right at all the right moments or we may loose precious time with you. It's interesting that I keep thinking of the phrase "God will 'orchestrate' everything perfectly". I don't know if you will have a passion for music or not, but if you think of an orchestra, different instruments are playing different notes at different times. Some instruments are required to be silent for measures and others dominate different parts of the piece. Yet, it all comes together to make beautiful music. This is your song Roman. It is a passionate and moving piece that swells and flows and by God's grace will crescendo at the perfectly appointed time.
Speaking of music, other than the Chili's "I want my baby back, baby back, baby back" song, I keep humming the tune to tune to Mighty to Save. I have faith that we will see Him move some mountains in the coming days.
I am sure that you will have heard the story of how your father proposed to me a million times, but I'm going to tell you here. I was expecting him and his parents to fly down on a Friday in February so our families could meet. Little did I realize that he had actually booked his flight into San Antonion on a Wednesday, rented a car and drove down to Rio Frio where he officially asked your Bammie and Papa's permission to marry me. Then on Thursday, he met with my roommate, got a key to our house and when I got home from work, I was surprised by a trail of rose petals. He sang "Bless the Broken Road" and got down on one knee and for the very first time told me that he loved me. That song has been the theme in our marriage and, as I write this, I know that it is the theme in your homecoming, too. Especially the chorus:
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.
I realize that this is a love song, but stretch your imagination with me for a minute. By now you know that we tried for several years to bring you into our family biologically. And each year that passed that we didn't have your smile in our life we were broken hearted, but God was builiding a different road for us. One that we would never have imagined that we would have had enough strength to complete. And finally, God showed us that you, our first born son, were never meant to be born from my belly, but you were always designed to be born from our heart. Born across the world, and yet God built the road that led us straight to you. It hasn't been an easy road at all, but there has been enough grace and peace for every obstacle we have encountered. All the while, God is developing our character so we can be the parents you so desperately deserve. That broken road will bring us wholeness. Bringing you home has been the most extraordinary thing we have ever been a part of. It was always you we wanted, Roman. We didn't always have a name and a face on our deepest desire, but it was always you. We didn't know the story God would write in bringing you into our family, but it was always you.
I can't wait for you to know what it feels like to have a Mommy and a Daddy with you every day. I can't wait for you to finally and rightfully know the feeling of being in a home where your parents would lay their life down for you. Your father has called the FBI and Jo Ann's office every working day since we found out about our "due date". He is persistent. His persistence is the reason I am his wife. It took him two and a half years to convince me to come visit him. And it's his persistence that will have you home sooner rather than later. I'm so glad that God put that "bulldog" in him. He is doing it because he is already so in love with you.
I'm ready to sleep now. Good night, Roman. We will see you soon.
Love,
Mommy
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Waiting Game
We keep waiting and waiting and waiting. Nothing new has happened yet, but Brock and I both feel to our bones that something is brewing. They say a watched pot never boils, but that isn't true. It's excruciatingly slow, but eventually the water will boil.
I woke up in the middle of the night on Thursday thinking about P90X with Tony Horton. For those of you who are not familiar with the program, it is a DVD workout series that is designed to make every fiber in your body ache. So much fun! There is one particular exercise on the PlyoX routine called the Airborne Heisman. I'll explain. In this exercise, you have to stand on your right leg while pulling your left knee into your chest. You must hold that position for a second or two and then leap off your right leg to balance on your left leg while simultaneously pulling your right knee into your chest where you hold that position for a second or two and then switch again. During the exercise, Tony gives instructions to fine tune your movement so that you are working your muscles to their highest potential. It was his comments that kept repeating in my brain when I woke up. "You've gotta hold the Heisman. That hold is important. Hold. That's where the magic is. Stop and then Go." The object is not to stay in the "hold" position for the duration of the exercise. If that were the case, I could "hold" on the couch in front of the television. The hold is an important part of working the leg muscles, but it is only a part. Right this moment, for this season, we are in a "Hold" position with Roman. And I felt like God was telling me that this hold is important. "All things work together for good for those who love the LORD and who are called according to His purpose." ALL things. I may never understand why this last leg of the journey had to be so challenging, but I do understand to the best of my ability that God has not forgotten about us and that, even in this, the path He has orchestrated for us is deliberate and beneficial. In the physical exercise of holding, the muscle is built and balance is perfected. In the spiritual exercise of holding, (waiting) faith is built and a different kind of balance is being perfected. This hold is important. This is where the magic is. It's in the hold. God already knows the day, hour and minute that we will see our son again. For this moment, I'm okay not knowing and not understanding why. I have a God who is still in control. And He loves me enough to give my faith a workout so it can grow. Brock and I have such a peace that we will be in front of a judge before October 5th-the day our medicals will expire. We believe that God will work it all out for our family. But even if He does not, He is still God and He still knows what is best.
We are also learning that, for us, waiting is not a passive activity. Waiting passively is laziness. Waiting purposefully develops patience. It makes me chuckle now to think of how many times we caution each other against praying for patience. It is a hard lesson to learn, but oh so necessary if we want our character to more closely resemble that of Christ's. So, for us today, waiting purposefully means we still prepare for the child we so strongly believe that God has given us. We read books that give us ideas as to how we can help him develop emotional bonds with us. We research activites and games that might help him developementally catch up to where he "should" be. We pray for him constantly. And we take opportunities to appreciate things that are so common to us now but will change drastically when he gets here.
Yesterday I was at the store picking up a few things when a woman stopped me and asked if we had our son home yet. She told me that she prayed for us everyday. I was completely humbled. I recognized her face, but at the moment I couldn't think of her name and yet she prays for us every day. Brock and I made the conscious decision to be very public about this adoption from the beginning because we believed that it would give us an incredible opportunity to witness and minister to other people. Never in our wildest dreams did we imagine how many people God would bring to minister to us through this process. We have made new, precious friends, deepened other relationships and built bonds that will last a lifetime. There have been times when it has been hard to be in the public eye when we have experienced something deeply and painfully personal, but more often than not, we are so grateful that God has put such an extensive community around us that has literally wept with us, rejoiced for us and prayed over us. And it has forever changed us.
I want to close with just a few words about our "100 for 100". Each contribution has been an answer to prayer. People I have never met before have contributed. People Brock has never met before have contributed. Even people neither one of us have met have contributed. Life-long friends have contributed. People we've met one time have contributed. People who haven't been able to give an entire 100 have contributed what they could. People have contributed for more than one slot. There are millions of orphans in this world. Babies without mommies and daddies. Children who are dressed in rags and don't get enough to eat. Children who can't go to school because they must work to survive. Little ones who don't know what it feels like to be told that they are loved and precious everyday. But they are loved. They are precious. These children are God's treasures and I know His heart is crushed over every single underpriviledged child. Brock and I have been called for this season to take one of those orphans out of that equation. We may be priviledged enough to get to do it again in another season. Your $100 may not make a difference in the world of orphans, but it is making a world of difference in the life of one. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for partnering with us to change Roman's legacy.
I woke up in the middle of the night on Thursday thinking about P90X with Tony Horton. For those of you who are not familiar with the program, it is a DVD workout series that is designed to make every fiber in your body ache. So much fun! There is one particular exercise on the PlyoX routine called the Airborne Heisman. I'll explain. In this exercise, you have to stand on your right leg while pulling your left knee into your chest. You must hold that position for a second or two and then leap off your right leg to balance on your left leg while simultaneously pulling your right knee into your chest where you hold that position for a second or two and then switch again. During the exercise, Tony gives instructions to fine tune your movement so that you are working your muscles to their highest potential. It was his comments that kept repeating in my brain when I woke up. "You've gotta hold the Heisman. That hold is important. Hold. That's where the magic is. Stop and then Go." The object is not to stay in the "hold" position for the duration of the exercise. If that were the case, I could "hold" on the couch in front of the television. The hold is an important part of working the leg muscles, but it is only a part. Right this moment, for this season, we are in a "Hold" position with Roman. And I felt like God was telling me that this hold is important. "All things work together for good for those who love the LORD and who are called according to His purpose." ALL things. I may never understand why this last leg of the journey had to be so challenging, but I do understand to the best of my ability that God has not forgotten about us and that, even in this, the path He has orchestrated for us is deliberate and beneficial. In the physical exercise of holding, the muscle is built and balance is perfected. In the spiritual exercise of holding, (waiting) faith is built and a different kind of balance is being perfected. This hold is important. This is where the magic is. It's in the hold. God already knows the day, hour and minute that we will see our son again. For this moment, I'm okay not knowing and not understanding why. I have a God who is still in control. And He loves me enough to give my faith a workout so it can grow. Brock and I have such a peace that we will be in front of a judge before October 5th-the day our medicals will expire. We believe that God will work it all out for our family. But even if He does not, He is still God and He still knows what is best.
We are also learning that, for us, waiting is not a passive activity. Waiting passively is laziness. Waiting purposefully develops patience. It makes me chuckle now to think of how many times we caution each other against praying for patience. It is a hard lesson to learn, but oh so necessary if we want our character to more closely resemble that of Christ's. So, for us today, waiting purposefully means we still prepare for the child we so strongly believe that God has given us. We read books that give us ideas as to how we can help him develop emotional bonds with us. We research activites and games that might help him developementally catch up to where he "should" be. We pray for him constantly. And we take opportunities to appreciate things that are so common to us now but will change drastically when he gets here.
Yesterday I was at the store picking up a few things when a woman stopped me and asked if we had our son home yet. She told me that she prayed for us everyday. I was completely humbled. I recognized her face, but at the moment I couldn't think of her name and yet she prays for us every day. Brock and I made the conscious decision to be very public about this adoption from the beginning because we believed that it would give us an incredible opportunity to witness and minister to other people. Never in our wildest dreams did we imagine how many people God would bring to minister to us through this process. We have made new, precious friends, deepened other relationships and built bonds that will last a lifetime. There have been times when it has been hard to be in the public eye when we have experienced something deeply and painfully personal, but more often than not, we are so grateful that God has put such an extensive community around us that has literally wept with us, rejoiced for us and prayed over us. And it has forever changed us.
I want to close with just a few words about our "100 for 100". Each contribution has been an answer to prayer. People I have never met before have contributed. People Brock has never met before have contributed. Even people neither one of us have met have contributed. Life-long friends have contributed. People we've met one time have contributed. People who haven't been able to give an entire 100 have contributed what they could. People have contributed for more than one slot. There are millions of orphans in this world. Babies without mommies and daddies. Children who are dressed in rags and don't get enough to eat. Children who can't go to school because they must work to survive. Little ones who don't know what it feels like to be told that they are loved and precious everyday. But they are loved. They are precious. These children are God's treasures and I know His heart is crushed over every single underpriviledged child. Brock and I have been called for this season to take one of those orphans out of that equation. We may be priviledged enough to get to do it again in another season. Your $100 may not make a difference in the world of orphans, but it is making a world of difference in the life of one. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for partnering with us to change Roman's legacy.
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