Ramblings of a Future Father

How do you start to put together the excitement and uncertainty of a new phase of your life?  One thing that is interesting with the human spirit is that you have the choice to give up but if you really feel that something you want great enough you will fight to the end for it.  I truly feel with all of my being that we are nearing the end of our adoption journey and in a very short amount of time Daniel is going to be sleeping in his room with all the stuffed animals and new clothes and everything that he probably never could imagine at his disposal.  We met with Daniel yesterday and to say that we are getting tired of being ushered into a room to spend a brief amount of time with a child that we would lay our lives down for, would be an understatement.  Even though we are still reserved in fully embracing being Daniel's mommy and daddy we are not reserved with Daniel.  He is a wonderful little boy and with that he has a child's excitement that is intoxicating.  When he goes to get a toy he more often than not will jump when we gets to his destination.  To see the jumpstop of this child melts my heart and it is part of the reason that we once again flew many thousands of miles to see it once again.  Daniel has not been feeling well the last couple of days we were told and you could tell that he was a little weary by the look on his face.  When he saw us and heard the caregiver say momma and poppa he ran and lunged for me and gave me a big hug.  Then he lunged for Ashley and gave her a big hug.  Then he headed straight for the toys.  I truly feel that Daniel remembered us by the way he reacted to us.  Maybe in his mind momma and poppa are people that play with him and yes we are going to do that a lot but there is so much more to the equation.  Not only are we going to play with him but we will care for him, love on him, support him, and try to do our very best at giving him a life that is perfect.  Or at least as perfect as a life can be.  Ashley and I have spoke about not spoiling Daniel.  Sure we are going to want to give him everything that we have the power to afford and shower it on him but that isn't what he needs, all Daniel truly needs is our love.  Our love for this child that has not even begun to grasp the meaning of the play time that he has had with us.  It is going to be tough not to be the parent that says "I want him to have all of everything" but we don't want to be that way.  We don't want Daniel to grow up expecting everything to be handed to him because he "deserves" anything he wants.  Don't get me wrong he is going to have everything that he needs and many of the things that he wants, but I just pray that we will be good parents to give him the loving home that every child so much deserves.  It pains me to think about all the children that are living in homes that they are an afterthought to their parents.  The "thing" on the parents minds are so much more important that these precious little children.  Whether that "thing" is alcohol or drugs or chasing a partner or work or whatever.  I just wish that people would realize what is truly needed in homes today.  One thing that I think is missing in society are homes.  I am being a little abstract here but a home is not four walls and a roof, a home is a loving safe place for all living there to be.  Whether it is a husband and wife and children or whatever the combination.  I hate that the failure rate with marriages has broken down that vital part of what a home should be.  I know that no one is perfect and I also know that there are times in a marriage that can be very challenging.  I just wish that people would not throw in the towel so easy.  I love my wife in every way you can imagine and surprise surprise sometimes she gets on my last nerve!!!  There is nothing wrong with that as long as you learn to deal with it and move on.  Oh and a secret for everyone, yes I get on her last nerve also.  I know, hard to believe.   As I get off my soapbox I am brought back to where I am sitting as I type this, Arkhangelsk, Russia.  I never in my wildest dreams would have ever thought I would go to Russia in my life much less 5 times in less than a year with hopefully one trip left.  All of these miles traveled so I get the chance to be a dad.  This is not the plan that I had for my life.  But I am so proud and happy for the plan that God set in motion for me.  It is truly a blessing to be able to have the opportunity to be a daddy to Daniel.  He is a sweet little boy that I cherish even with the brief amount of time I have spent with him.  Am I going to mess up at times being a dad?  Sure I will, but I have to learn and move on.  As long as I keep Daniel's best interest in the decisions that I make concerning him the rest will work out.  Does that mean that there are not going to be hard times?  Nope, sorry to say there are going to be a lot of them.  I am sure that I am going to get to hear the dreaded phrase "I hate you" some time during my life from my precious son.  I regretfully remember saying that to my father and more than likely those of you reading this have said the same at one time or another to your parents.  I just pray that some day Daniel will get on the other side of that and be like me and regret that I ever said something like that to my dad.  He has been a great man for an example of what a real dad and what a real man can be.  Is he a perfect man?  No he is not.  Is he a good man?  There are no men that are any finer.  I want to say thank you to my dad, Rudy Williams, for being the man that he has been and the man that he continues to be.  I can't wait to see him as a grandpa.  This Sunday is Father's Day.  For me I pray that it gets to be my first, I will be able to answer that after court on Friday.  But this sunday is also going to be Grandfather's Day in my book.  And if you want to top that off with one more thing June 16th is my dad's birthday.  I hope that I get to give him a best present of being a grandfather.   Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  We have tried to have a strong face throughout this whole journey but this has truly been the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.  The amazing thing is that through all of it things in our life continues to get better.  We are in a better place in our marriage than we have ever been.  We are stronger as a couple and also stronger is our friendship than we have ever been.  Now does that mean that we never argue???  Nope, we still argue, that is part of being with someone.  But I love Ashley more today than any other day in the history of time.  She is my best friend and she is the mother of my children.  I pray that anyone that is reading this has a best friend like I have.  If you don't and you are married work on making that person your best friend.  This journey would not have been the same without my Ashley.  So we push forward!!!  We get to go see Daniel again today to play again and then tomorrow we go to court.  I think we are oddly at peace with going to court tomorrow but at the same time we are nervous about it.  I don't know how to describe that set of emotions but they are all jumbled together.  May God Bless everyone of you reading these words.  If you have a quick moment please say a prayer for all of us, Ashley and I and of course Daniel.  Please also say a prayer for Roman, if it weren't for Roman we would not be sitting in this hotel room right now.