Friday, August 19, 2011

Roller Coasters

It's time for a little more therapy.  The last two days have been an emotional roller coaster.  I am weary beyond belief and all I want to do is just hold our son again.  We will start with the facts of the situation thus far. 

First the jerky and uncomforable ride to the top of the roller coaster.  Yesterday, Brock called the FBI to ask about our background checks.  We need two separate checks and one of them is on it's way to Russia right now.  The other, we were told takes a minimum of 8 weeks to process.  October 1st by that math.  We mailed it three weeks ago and, as of yesterday, it's not in the system.  They assured Brock that this was not unusual, but the most basic and primal part of me feels like it is unbearable.  I keep having nightmares that Roman is an 18 year old teenager when we get him and doesn't need us anymore.  Five more weeks, possibly.  35 days.  840 hours.  50,400 minutes.  3,024,000 more breaths to take. (and that's not counting the hypervenilating breaths)  Five weeks isn't terribly long, I know this in my head, but my heart just hurts.  Maybe it would be easier if I didn't know how his little fingers felt wrapped around mine or the joy of  seeing him look up into his daddy's eyes and offer a slow smile.  But then again, it's that memory that gives me strength to push forward one more step.  A marathon is completed one step at a time. 

Then the downhill thrill of the roller coaster.  Brock called Jo Ann Emerson's office this morning-our Congresswoman-and asked if there was anything they could do to help us get these documents more quickly.  We are more in a rush because we misread some infomation on our instructions from the agency and now we are frantically trying to make up for lost time.  Brock said that the woman with whom he spoke was so incredibly kind and told us that they absolutely could help.  I was astounded.  Of all of the issues that office deals with on a day to day basis, a little family in a little town in Southeast Missouri shouldn't be a high priority, but not only did they act like it they could help, we were treated like it would be their honor to help.  What an incredible blessing! The woman with whom Brock spoke couldn't have offered us any more grace and compassion than she did this morning.  We weren't just nameless people who were needing something to add to her likely already full day.  We were a couple who was desperate to bring their son home and she was excited that she could play a part in helping us fulfill our dream.  I was thinking about that on a deeper level, too.  How often do we hesitate to call  out to God for the "insignificant" things because He has so much more going on in the world that needs His attention?  And yet,  He "longs to be gracious to us.  He rises to show us compassion"  (Isaiah 30.18)  I've always gotten a picture of that verse of the Sovereign Creator of the Universe sitting on the edge of His throne, waiting and ready to come to the aid of anyone who will call on His name.  If it's big enough to touch our heart, then we can be sure that it's big enough to concern Him no matter how small it may seem in the grand scheme of things  "Cast your cares on Him for He cares for you".  Lord, my concern is that it will be a long time still before we can hold our son.  My concern is that my heart will break in the waiting.  My concern is that our window of opportunity will run out and we will have to start all over. You know these concerns and You know that to us, it doesn't feel trivial.  I trust that You have goverened every step of our process and you aren't going to drop us in the details.  A friend reminded me last night of the old hymn "He didn't teach us to swim to watch us drown."  And as we look over our 100 for 100 list below, we are AMAZED by the outpouring of generousity of friends and loved ones.  And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that every excited "YES!" that we have gotten in response to this has been evidence of God's provision.  These people are the fingerprints of God in our story.  And if we can have faith in the things that we can so plainly see, why shouldn't we have faith in the ways that God is working behind the scenes to either protect us, protect Roman or just create a dramatic finish so that He alone can get the glory for authoring the story of our life? 

Another jerking and slow climb to the top of another part of the ride.  Brock talked to Irina this morning and she told him that the medicals that we had done in Russia were only valid for three months.  They will expire October 5.  If we do not have a court date before October 5th, we will be required to fly back to Russia for another set of medicals ($1600 not including air fare and hotel costs) and then fly home and wait again for a court date.  And money is only part of it.  The more heartbreaking part is that it will be that much longer until we get Roman home.  I just want my baby home.  I know he is well cared for where he is, but I don't want someone else tucking him in at night anymore.  I don't want someone else putting his socks on his chubby little feet.  I don't want him to wake up as one of 50 children in a home and have to wait his turn to taken out of his crib and fed.  I just want to take care of the son that we so strongly feel like God has given to us.  I miss him so much right now that it hurts to breathe.  And yet, there is a rock solid foundation that I am standing on that tells me that God knows what is happening and He already has the days of this painful season numbered.  "Those who wait on the LORD will soar on wings like eagles"  I have faith that we will soar over the ocean-not physically on eagle's wings, but on an airplane. "...they will run and not grow weary"  This is the race has been laid out for us so clearly and He has given and will continue to give strength to finish it. "...they will walk and not grow faint"  When we simply cannot run another day, He will provide the strength to just...take...another...step.

I just want our son home.  I want to stop feeling like I am going to burst into tears everytime someone asks, "Where's that baby?"  or "How much longer?"  They are exicted with us and I am so glad that we have a strong community supporting us and are ready to celebrate his homecoming.  But the truth is, I don't know.  And every question reminds me that even a month and a half after having met our Roman, we still don't know.  We covet your prayers.  I want to believe that God is setting circumstances so that at the end of this, there will be no other way to know that it came to fruition other than to know that only God could have moved the mountains and the paper and the agencies.  Our original thought when we left Russia was that we would be traveling back around Sept 1st.  Now, we are praying feverently that it will be before October 1st.   

Now that I'm in my 30's roller coasters do a lot more than they  used to.  They make me tired and sore.  That's how I feel right now.  My mind is so tired from thinking about bringing him home. Thinking about how to get him home faster.  Tired of wondering if there is anything we are missing or anything we should have done differently.  (not misreading those documents would have helped!)  And my heart is sore.  I am learning more deeply what it means to just "cast our cares on Him because He cares for us"  How could I doubt that.  God knows what our desire is?  He loves Roman more than we do. And He wants what's best for all of us.

This I know:  God is still good.  He still causes all things to work together for those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose.  And He who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it.

I'm sure glad I don't have to govern the universe!  And I'm thankful that I can lay my concerns down at His throne and know that they will be far better cared for than we could do on our own.  I'm so thankful for you Jesus.  You will see us through.

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