My thoughts feel fractured. I can't concentrate and I can't sleep tonight. It is 3:12 in the morning and my brain is in overdrive. It is a little after noon in Russia. Is the judge eating her lunch? Why should she eat when I can't sleep? Why do we still know nothing? We asked our agency what the repercussions would be if she doesn't respond within the two weeks and were met with an very unsettling, "There's not really much we can do." I know that I'm not supposed to know all the answers and I know that this season won't last forever. But our heads and our hearts think very differently sometimes. I feel forgotten. I feel unheard. Our family's future is reduced to a pile of papers that is sitting on a the desk of a woman who has no idea who we are while every single day we wake up hoping for a miracle and every single night we go to bed wondering how much longer this season must last.
When we were trying to get pregnant, every month came with the crushing single line on a stick. I'd cry for a day or two and then try to fix everything in my life that could possibly be wrong so that maybe God would see how good we were being and bless us with a child. I know that's a ridiculous notion. But right now, it feels like the agony of each of those days in all of those months have been heaped into a huge pile and is overwhelming me. How long, LORD? Everyday there are babies taken from homes where they have been abused or neglected. How long will mine sit in an orphanage? I don't understand, God. You have the power to change hearts and move mountains. Why does it feel like You are being still right now? How much longer do we have to answer every question with, "I. don't. know."? Our agency keeps telling us that we are so close and while we know this is true, it feels like Roman is slipping farther away. I want to trust You, I really do, but it's taking strength that I don't feel like I have right now. I'm crying out to You, LORD. My emotions are raw. Nothing about what I'm feeling right now is pretty, but it's honest. You are still the same good, loving, patient and kind God as You have always been. But, You feel a million miles away right now. Roman feels a million miles away. Please God, take pity on us. Put me back together. Put our family together.
"Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint;
heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, LORD, how long?"
There is nothing new to humankind about what I am feeling right now. David felt it. Habakkuk felt it. Countless other souls have felt it throughout history. How long? You know exactly how long. You are still in control. And that's why You are God.