Faith Fumes

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That's how I feel.  One thing after another, after another, after another, after another.  At this point, Brock and I feel like it has been 6 months of uphill battle and we are bone weary.  But, we did say that we would keep our go until "No" and we still haven't run into a brick wall yet.  We have trudged through waist deep mud, but for every single step, we have had the provisions we have needed at the time.  I don't just mean financial provisions, but emotional provisions.  Some days have been excrutiating, but my heart is keeping perfect rhythm to...
Trust in the LORD....with all of your heart....and lean not on your own understanding....In all of your ways....acknowledge Him....and He.Will.Direct.Your.Path....

We have no idea how much longer.  We have no idea what our outcome will be.  But we will go until we hear a definitive, "No" or we will go until Roman is home where we still believe he is supposed to be.  When I look back over the now almost year since we received Roman's referral, I can't help but believe that every event has been perfectly orchestrated.  We still believe that the pictures hanging all over our house of a happy and chunky little boy are the pictures of our son.  The son we will teach how to speak English and how to honor his own Russian heritage.  The son to whom we will instill a spirit of perseverance because you don't leave behind what you believe God has called you to until you have exhausted every single avenue.  The son who will someday grow up and have his own wife and children and will know how to love and protect them because it was modeled for him by his Father and his daddy.  He will love because he was first loved.  We've held you, Roman. We've already fallen in love with you.  And, by the sheer grace and power of God, we will not give up on you.  We will do for today what we have been called to do today and we will wait for new mercies tomorrow. 

I know there are some who are so tired of hearing our seemingly never-ending "We don't know anything new" because we are so tired of knowing nothing new.  The deadline for the appeal from our new Russian attorney expired yesterday and Andrei finally, after two full days of calling, was able to speak with someone who had some information.  The appeal had been documented as received, but has seemingly vanished.  No one in the courthouse knew where it was.  And they can't respond to an appeal that they do not have.  Within a few hours, we are told, our lawyer was working up a second appeal to present to the head of the judges in the Murmansk region.  I still believe that "all things work together for good for those who love God and who are called according to His purpose", but if I am completely honest and vunerable, I feel like we are running on faith fumes right now.  It seems that everything that could have caused delays has.  So once again, we wait.

"Those who wait on the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles..."and if don't have what they need to soar, "...they will run and not grow weary..." and if they don't have the strength to run, "...they will walk and not grow faint..."  I think there could have been one more phrase in this well known source of comfort because when you don't even have the stamina to place one foot in front of the other to walk, you can crawl and not poop out. 

So, what do we do while we wait?  We trust God for the breathe to fill our lungs each morning before we even put our feet on the floor.  I've been running again.   I'm up to 3 miles a day because I know the very best mommy for Roman will be the healthiest mommy I can be.  And I think there's some comfort in knowing that, while I can't control a confusing and complicated judge, I can control the quality of food and exercise I get.   My physical heart gets stronger every day and, at the same time, my emotional heart is learning more and more to trust.  I've also been memorizing the book of James.  I'm halfway through the second chapter.  When my thoughts turn dark and I begin to worry, I can focus on each of James' precious exhortations and occupy my mind, enabling me to think on "whatever is true, whatever is noble whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."  Phillipians 4.8.   We all must learn to take our thoughts captive.   And I've been creating because that's what I was created to do.  I took some fabric I had been saving for a special occassion and gutted our tired throw pillow to make new bright and colorful ones.  I've painted.  I've baked.  I've rearranged and I'm crocheting my first ever afgan.  In the ten plus years I've known how to crochet, I've never done an afgan because I thought it would take too much time, but it seems now we have nothing but time.  I want fresh and new because I want to walk into a rearranged house and be reminded that nothing in life has to stay stagnant.  This season isn't over yet, but someday, this too shall pass.  It may sound silly, but repurposing a table or repositioning a couch or redoing some throw pillows reminds me in the tiniest ways that life changes and moves.  Fresh and new breathes new life into my heart right now.  And those fumes that I seem to be running on will be fanned into flames again.  "A smoldering wick He will not snuff out..." (Isaiah 42.3)

I don't know when this season will end, but I am very grateful we have all the provisions we need to endure it.  Please, please, please keep praying for us and thank you to all of you who have been an example of perseverance and patience as you have have walked along side of us and encouraged us in this season.