Friday, January 13, 2012

we are coming home

We need advice. We are at the absolute end of ourselves. We don't have the money to stay in Russia. Brock tried to call the airline and after the prematurely disconnected $80 call, the only new information we have is flights can be changed for $280 per person plus the difference in the flight. And that was just one leg of the journey home. We simply don't have that plus the money to stay plus the money to fly back to get Roman. And the money is only the smallest part of this. Every single step we have taken in the last six months has left us battered and scarred. We desperately believe in the essence of adoption. We want our story to have a happy ending, but how much more? Does God have a better life for Roman that doesn't include us?
We are coming home. Without answers about what next. We will come back for court in two weeks. Beyond that, we don't know. We are so tired of being a charity case. Of being pitied. the only thing we, the only constant heartbeat of ours has been that we want a child. And for the last six months, we have wanted a very specific child. We have been abandoned, We have emotionally, financially and psychologically bled out. We just want to go home and let our broken hearts start to heal. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone who has read this and kept up with it that we can't finish this in our natural strength. And I know some of you will say that God will provide His Supernatural strength, but in our tired and frail minds, even that doesn't seem possible. And I am so incredibly sorry, Roman that I am even entertaining the thought of walking away. My faith is weak and I am broken. I am sorry, Lord, that I don't know how to hear you right now. I feel like a miserable failure.
Where are you, God? Tell us what to do! Are we so far off course that You can't reach us anymore?


  1. Do not give up, Ashley! You know in your heart that you would regret it. That decision would haunt you, leaving you wondering what could have been had you not given up. It's been a long time since we have had a conversation, my friend, but some of the conversations we had still resonate with me. You were wise beyond your years even back then. Your outlook on life was so...mature. Your unwavering faith in God's provision was palpable. You are a strong woman of God! You are a Sarah, a Hannah, a Mary...a woman from whom other women draw their strength! You need Roman...and Roman needs you. Don't give are so close!!!

  2. Ashley- you and I don't know each other very well, but I just want to tell you-don't lose faith. Your story and trials have utterly touched my heart and renewed my appreciation for the wonderful gifts in my life. I've said this before, but I don't think I've ever met someone who deserves to be a mother more. The strength of your faith is astounding. Keep it. Please understand that we don't pity you. I don't. In a way, I envy you. Definitely not the difficulties you've been experiencing lately, but the amazing strength and determination you possess. The faith you've shown is so inspiring. That's why people want to support you. Not out of charity. It comes from a place of admiration. I just wanted you to know that. We are all going to keep praying.